30,000

By Qualea   

30,000 of my brothers and sisters decided within the last year that since their everyday lives were hell, an early retirement wouldn’t hurt anyone.
And I wish I knew why,
Why the nine layers Dante predicted felt more like home than the 4 walls they were in.
Why they only saw 4 walls instead of the possibilities multiplying faster than the cells in their precious bodies
Why they couldn’t see the beautiful souls that fit so perfectly in those precious bodies
Why so many souls dragged razor blades so heavily against fresh skin, playing connect the dots with a misguided pen, tracing along the wrong paths.
Why I’ve written countless eulogies for the living, foreshadowing an unfortunate end. Deciding to play God because I am told that there is a being called God who has decided well before I’ve even thought of sin that I am not destined to rest eternally next to Saints.
Why I get death glares when I hold my girlfriend’s hand, her anxiety so heavy if it were tangible I fear I would not be able to hold it with my two hands. Knuckles cracking under the weight, she needs me to be strong for her.
I wonder how many parts of myself will crumble before my heart stops beating.
Why when I was younger I would clasp my hands together and say “Our father, who art in heaven, why did you curse me?”
Why I see this as a curse.
Why I know Tyler Clementi’s name by heart. Why it’s been five years and I can not help but wonder if before his body crashed into the Hudson River, he asked God for forgiveness.
Why I want all college students to know Tyler Clementi’s name. He was student, a classmate, a brother, a son. He was more than just than just a name.
when I came out my mom looked at me as if she had to learn how to love me again.
As if the pitter patter of her heart had skipped a beat and to this day I wonder if it ever returned.
Do not analyze parts of me that do not exist. I’m not a foreign language, do not stutter when you speak of me.
Do not learn me to show off to your friends like you bring up the few spanish words you know.
Do not ask me who, when, what, how or why.
Please know, that I understand that it’s hard to fly with clipped wings.
Please know, it’s even harder to sleep at night with the scissors that cut them next to you on your nightstand.

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