A Big Fat Criminal Ego

I was so scared of losing you
that I left you to face my fear
maybe that’s when I realised you weren’t the one
When my inner peace and your inner turmoil, like my parents, were fundamentally
When embracing your tides of
inconsistency meant
sacrificing my serenity.
When smiling at your notifications meant pining over
your silence.
And so generously yet selfishly,
I let you go
As I light another joint and immortalise you as a
futureless phantom of the permanent past
Yet now I sit here, wishing I could go back and trade in my big fat ego for
a tiny sliver of you.

No I don’t. My ego has protected me time and time again
from your prideful ways (or was it my own pride she protected?)…Point is
Fine. I’m aware of my hypocrisy—
When I expect the very things I refuse to sacrifice.
It’s quite embarrassing to be frank and admit that
Behind this carefully constructed facade of indifference, I so desperately want
Vulnerability, communication, transparency and yet
I refuse to let them replace my army of toxic soldiers—-
For they have protected me, when you unleash your armed forces— or worse,
When you hold them back and give me the cold shoulder.

How I wish this wasn’t just another sad story that started sad and ended even sadder
We ended things because of our differences
But now I see that we were the same.
Our guarded hearts were like two criminals who made
eye contact from across the jail cell.
A spark
A burning desire
A shameful recognition of your kin.

Perhaps we committed different crimes
Yet we were the same in all the wrong ways.

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Key Words : Love, heartbreak, attachement, situationship

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This Poems Story

This is about my situationship--- the almost lover--- rescued by my big fat ego. We were both into eachother, but we also had very similar unhealthy attachment styles that made us retreat when all we wanted was intimacy. We played the game with eachtother and copied the other\'s tactics, thereby seeing our worst selves in the other.