A Difficult Defeat

First before you think of anything
I need you to listen carefully
The shit I'm about to say
Has been going crazy in my mind all damn day

Now I know you think I'm the bad one
But baby, let me assure you that what I did
Was so far overdone
I think back to the situation I put myself in
It's crazy, how the hell did I become so fucking dumb?
I told myself over and over I'd never return to that god awful place
Lying, cheating, stealing
Just so I could continue breathing
But I did you wrong, I did myself wrong
No going back, only forward
Hoping and praying I don't keep living in horror
Because I lost something special to me
That was you and now I feel so fucking blue
Now I think you know I truly care, but do you?
Did my feelings mean anything to you?
But I guess I shouldn't ask because I was I was at fault too
You need to know that what I did was careless
Before you continue reading any of this

She doesn't mean shit to me, just a pair of dirty shoes
But what was she to you, something to use?
I wish I knew, but on the real, I don't give a fuck
Because you were really the only thing that messed me up

I care about you, I really fucking do
But where are you? I miss you
I messed up and I know it
But I'll be damned if I walk away without showing it

My name has never been a good one
So here I am writing, spitting, just to keep these thoughts flowing
My mind is working double just to make these words rumble
Sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying
But that doesn't stop me from slaying
I grew up in a world where I have to prove myself
So I'll take what I got and hope I reach the number one spot
But that shits rare, I'm a girl, I'm young so I'm probably not going anywhere
Doesn't bother me though
I'll keep writing with a pen between my hand
Coffee on the nightstand
And a whole lot of hope already in the trash can

I feel so lost with myself
Not knowing exactly who I am
But I guess that's what I'm here for; a purpose
To find out what's under the surface
Of a person whose scared of failing at something she puts effort into
But that can't stop me
It never has
And it never will

Now that you know my actions were careless
I just need you to listen for a couple more verses
I'm doing this for myself, not you
Just low key hoping you'll pass back through
Because it's true, I do miss you, only you
What I did was pathetic and childish
And to be honest, I just want to give you back my kindness
I'm not sure if we met by accident or for a reason
But babe, I don't want to live without you for another season
I believe I can make you happy if that's what you truly want
Because I'm tired of you being someone I haunt

Call me a friend if you'd like, just not a foe
Because I'm dying to be someone that you know
And not knew because that shits old
I'm now brand new
I've done a lot of thinking
Maybe too much
But maybe it'll toss me some luck
Cause that's truthfully what I need right now
So I'll keep persisting
Not knowing where I'm going
Kinda hoping that you'll do the showing

But let's chill for a minute, kick it
Maybe take a dab or two
I ain't got nowhere to be
And hopefully the same goes for you
You know I miss your company
Not just someone to be there
Cause I did that, done that, and I really don't fucking care
About anything but what's in this air

I refuse to believe there's nothing here
Because I felt it again the second I came near
Heart beating, heart racing
Just trying to keep it from breaking
And the only way I knew how was to get your attention
Be honest with you, tell you about my recent depression
Hate to admit it, but lately you've been my obsession
But that shits whack, I don't want you to think that
My only intention was for you to listen
Hoping I might make some kind of impression
But knowing, I just need you to see my perception

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