A Mountain Made Me

Am I just the way I am?
A bitter sense of coarser thought…
of course thought in error,
which slips between a lip in a lapse
or collapse of hope.
As I run in laps around a silent, sheltered, shattered crowd,
and cower in fear of that final cloud,
that clown that claps and claps
and never quits
and never stops
and never cares
and never feels
and never, never fails.
Can he never change?
Not a word to pave a better path,
but a choice to feel for that faulting voice
will carry me just beyond this pit,
this mud filled pasty muck dug up by those masses
laughing, jesting and lashing out with jutting smiles.
“Why?”, you ask in disbelief.
If you were here and I were there,
if you had seen our brothers chains,
if you had felt the glowing gates or
grasped a dying mother’s hand or
shunned that starving orphan too and
through my eyes had seen your end or
through my ears had heard the call or
felt the pull or
struck the blow or
fled the scene or
begged, “More mana please,” and
shed the weight or
the slave you’d freed,
you’d likely say the same thing as me:
this world is more than what I see.
To fall and call it my state of mind?
Is that my lot in life?
Claw apart this cage of mine;
tear and rip and shred in half
this need to always dim the lights and
finally find the faith to stand
in the clear, free, testing dark and
still stand for what is right.
A crutch to steady my shaking frame?
I gasp and clasp for clarity in
a room unlit and find I am, alone, unfit
and I flee and stumble left and right and left again,
finding nothing more than uncaring air in my search from here to there;
to where I want to be.
And then I see it.
I think it.
I believe it.
I feel it and I know it.
And it knows me.
This reason for my grief and strife.
This purpose in my pain-filled life.
This answer to unanswered cries:
My life was never mine to lose.
It belongs to him and her and you.
Am I just the same I always knew I’d be?
Or can I climb this final peak?
Even if I do or don’t my hope is that another did.
That my brother made it to the top and
my sister knows I never stopped and
all my closest loved ones knew and
saw my back was to the past and
my face had shown the familiar sweat of
someone who never ever quit and was not the way I am.

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