A second of peace I seek

How could it be? Nothing to be
enough the way I would like to, myself, feel.
I’ve been looking for a hundred different ways
to make it feel safe
when in this place despite the beauty of it all,
I’m trapped in between my will and the fear of myself.
A mind that doesn't mind if I live or not.
How do I make it work?
Give me an answer that can make me trust me.
Is it fear or is it pain?
The shivering starts from within,
makes me curl up into a ball,
makes me disappear into a world of my own.

So I ask again, as a last attempt.
How do I get rid of the pain and the fear,
that keeps me down when I most certainly
want to be free, by not freeing myself
from the very flesh that keeps me here.
I want to be free but bound to this earth.
I want to feel the very worst of this world,
but to be able to feel it without drowning.
I want to acknowledge the bad and cherish the good,
without the fear of forgetting the one or the other.
How, I ask again.
With the shame of knowing that I simply ask too much.

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