All The Shades Of Dark
I sit down preparing for our nightly talk,
but the mirror is broken.
Pieces of shattered glass scatter across my carpet floor.
I stare back at the hollow monster left behind.
It’s eyes... they are different than before,
all shades of dark.
Where is love that was there yesterday?
I do not know these eyes,
they are empty,
as if the cities that lit the Starry Night blew away with the wind.
They tremble with fear.
Why are you afraid?
The glass shards dig into me,
but I do not break away in fear that you might evaporate.
In fear that I might be alone.
Chained to my bed.
I thought if I close my eyes long enough the monsters will think I was already dead,
Well at least it felt that way,
I thought if I played my music loud enough that I could scare them away yet,
I met them.
Invite them every night.
But it loves me,
it protects me and keeps me chained so I won’t stray.
But the chains feel awful lot like anxiety. When I try to block it out the tighter the grass gets.
It makes its way to my mouth and down my throat it wraps itself around my lungs squeezing them.
But it will tell me that it is only teaching me how to breathe.
That I might die without air,
but my lungs.
My lungs are still collapsing.
They are heavy with the weight of its chains,
of my chains,
I am so fucking tired
but insomnia will rap it’s rose thorn fingers around my face and resite sad poems in my ear.
Sad love poems that I won’t ever feel because he tells me nothing,
will love something as sad as me.
No one will love a sad girl because she is sad but she’s sad because no one will love her.
I don’t want to be sad.
Yet depression will hollow out my ears.
Reminding me that he is my only friend.
I am alone without him.
I cannot be alone,
I am afraid to be alone.
Sad or alone my choice,
no no his choice my chains,
I want to breathe without my bones breaking,
to eat without fingers down my throat.
I want to be happy.
Learn how to be alone.
I want to scream.
Break all the vases that hold the roses, and to cut the strings you have wrapped around my throat. Breaking all the mirrors that keep me close to you, the ones I meet every night.
You are afraid of me.
Watching me burn the hay chains and filling my lungs with the sweet air that you kept away for so long. You are afraid of me because I don’t need you to breath. You are afraid because you are alone.