Almost Nineteen

Its midnight. Or just past, and Em hasn't called.
It was eight and late and she hadn’t called yesterday either.
It was okay. I had family to talk to today and was looking forward to it.
I brought shae. It WAS okay.
But after I realized that my family world up north, and my friend world with Shae were mixing together and it made me sad.
Which didn't make sense. But I also wasn’t the one turing eight.
We have been talking to Misi for a long time and I smile. But
I am not happy
I am feeling like I want to retreat into my mind maze and get lost for a while.
Like inception
But also emotionally
I wished grandma and grandma hadn’t moved because I loved their house and
I can’t sit under the trees.
And then I remembered Em is probably home and never stopped to say hi for just a quick fill up on gas.
But I looked at a photo of when everything was okay.
It was my art show. Shae and I were laughing. Em and Jared were friends and misi was there.
It was home
And my mom took the picture.
Dad could help me when I didn’t know what to do.
I went to sleep soundly.
Now Im up late and waking up early.
I forget to write down my dreams and think about fun things.
The leaves are trying to brighten my day but
There is no one for me to watch them with
Besides the people that are here.
Which isnt what I want.
I want to be star gazing with hunter
Laughing with alex and zach
Eating mom’s home cooked dinner
And sleeping in my room that is in a warm desert with everything where I know
It is.
But it isn’t
Its past midnight and I am not asleep yet.
And there is always homework to do
And money to be spend
And no trees to grow it on
Little green sheets that don't tuck me into bed. They steal from me instead.
I buy things. Little things that don’t matter but my belly aches
And my brain is lame
And I am not as smart as you'd think. Because I am a apathetic typical mess of biology.
A blemish really.
There is no end to the free-write that never gets as wink or a swing
Of a dream boats gravy hand.
I can’t even get excited.
Because i want to be on grandmas back patio looking at the town. Ice cream cones with kaitlyn on the swinging bench noticing a little bit of sand in my toes and the three trees that are perfect for climbing
The big rock that the adults couldn’t see.
A hose that keeps getting turned on by the young boys trying to make an ocean.
The quick conversation on the inside and the adults all laughing at something.
I miss watching the sunset behind the blinds as a disney movie played and we fought over with color chair to sit in.
We played dress up in old clothes and always walked out in them.
I remember wanting them to always explain the pictures on the walls everywhere.
The happy tint that lived in the house.
Thick spaghetti and fake parmesan cheese.
But real water with ice and foggy glasses. For fingerprinting
Sometimes a board game in the room where we couldn’t touch anything.
Coloring with waxing old crayons one called
“Bittwersweet “
Which was Foreshadowing.
I didn’t know Shae
I didn’t know Emily
I didn’t know Misi
I didn’t know Magen or Marlee
I didn’t know Chris and Jessica
I didn’t know Stradley
I didn’t know Lindsay
I didn’t know Brooklyn
I didn’t know Macie
I didn’t know dax or Thalia or anyone younger
I didn’t know about science or math
I didn’t know about romance
I didn’t know about kissing
I didn’t know about wanting something you shouldn’t
I didn’t know about being broke and not knowing how to fix it
I didn't know about anything

I remember once, I was sitting on one of those light wood stools at the counter coloring in grandma's house. She was washing the dishes. Mom was at the table, behind me talking prettily. Grandmas hands were using a plastic like cloth with little holes in it. And the soap smelt soft and warm. Like the dishes were getting a bath from grandma’s wonderful hands. It was getting a tad late. My eyes would hurt if I turned behind me. But I paused my drawing and thought that it was beautiful.

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