ANTS


I have a head full of ANTS and I've tried very hard to get rid of them. I've tried telling them they're liars and unreasonable. I've told them to shut up and tried to ignore them. I've told them they're wrong and I've tried cutting them out. I've tried running until I couldn't possibly take another step.
It's not that I don't try; I try very hard. Every once in a while, I get lucky and some of the ANTS leave, but they come back at some point. They come back at school. They come back at work. They come back on the holidays when I'm reminded of family members who have died. Sometimes they come back at the most random times.
I used to be able to escape them through sleep and they used to just talk, but now they also show me pictures. They show me pictures of when he tried to choke me and when he pushed me down on his bed and told me he was going to "show me how it is" and I don't know why because I haven't thought about it in years.
They tell me I deserved it and I'm unlovable. They show me pictures of me laying on the floor with my whole body shaking after I tried to kill myself. They show me pictures of the cop and paramedics standing over me demanding that I tell them what I took because they "know" it wasn't just a bottle of caffeine pills when it really was. They show me pictures of my parents walking into my hospital room as the doctor is telling me my heart could stop at any moment. They wake me up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and I don't always know where I'm at or what's happening until I see the dogs lying next to me. It's almost like the ANTS crawl into my ears when I go to sleep and go straight to my brain.

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ANTS-Automatic Negative Thoughts in psychology