Awake


I can't remember the early summer. The spring was also hazy.
Last winter I remember darkness and the corner of the couch.
I was just lying there all day. I remember that.
I felt so tired. I was so sick. Physically. Mentally.
Tired of being toyed with. Ignored. Tired. Tired. Tired.
I just slept and wondered when I would be good enough.
I said no to things I loved. I embraced goodbye.
I said hello to amnesia. Fatigue. I thought I was getting better.
My inner child fell asleep to the sounds of a rumbling stomach.
I thought it was progress. Tired. Spring came. Spring went.
Home became a foreign concept, but I was 'home.'
I still wasn't sure of was what home actually felt like anymore.
Amnesia. I forgot myself. I forgot the feeling of home.
I forgot about events as soon as they happened. Tired.
But now, my inner child is stirring.
The sound of a long forgotten laughter permeates my consciousness.
There is the scent and taste of pizza. The chill of ice cream.
There is birthday cake and take-out, and moments with family.
I hear speech patterns of friends I hadn't heard for far too long.
There's the sound of songs being sung to an empty house in a way
That I am too shy to do around other people. Waking up to me.
The me that had been consumed by the act of non-consumption.
She yawns, she hits the snooze button like I do. But she's awake.
I lost the early summer. As the leaves change and the wind blows,
The forgotten memories seem wiped away. I changed like the leaves.
I lost the early year. Now, I'm awake. I won't lose winter.
I won't lose next summer. I won't lose me.

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