Back and Forth
Cigarettes don’t work unless they’re laced with herbs
And liquor takes too long
The thing about abuse is
It can go almost unrecognisable.
Especially when you’re the receiver
As well as the supplier
Constantly I contemplate a better alternative
Constantly I fight the urge.
Too soon to say I’m reliant
Too long just be a fling
Reasoning with myself because I’m aware of the predisposed risk
Reasoning with myself because I’m aware that I am even aware
Reasoning with myself because I know no other coping mechanism,
Like a safely blanket
With a me sized hole somewhere.
I know it doesn’t make sense and I know its not a permanent fix
Still a fix though. Who said I need a permanent one.
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A little about the confusion of feeling you're on the brink of becoming too addicted or reliant on something but not knowing how or completely wanting to stop.