Bad Music


I haven’t always felt this way when calm
I used to feel more like i was drowning
I didn’t care enough to breathe
It was like at any moment i would just stop
and it wouldn’t matter anymore
Because i wouldn’t have to feel that drowning feeling anymore

The woman playing piano
That is a new feeling
Even when i am not calm i feel like i can be her at any point
Like it is now my choice to play the piano or drown

How did you manage to save me from drowning and make me feel like i could be this woman

How have i taken your calm and replaced it with my anxiety
How did you allow that to happen

You tell me i am different
That we have a connection
Trust me i feel it
But how can you love that connection
when i’ve hurt you so badly
How can you be okay with that connection
when i have taken your calm

Because of you
For the first time in my life
I know what i want
I feel like i can be myself
I cherish every moment you’ve spent with me
And every moment you have spoken to me

I am in love with this calm that i have stolen from you
That is why you call it
bad music
Because i am okay
But you are not
I can breathe
But you’re drowning

But because i can breathe
does not mean i am good
I can breathe long enough to feel that even though i am the woman playing piano
i am still sad
I am playing a piano that is not in tune
I’m still breathing
But my strings are broken
The only keys that work are sharps and flats

The naturals on my piano are missing their hammer
Because of this they do not sound
I am begging for their hammers back
I am begging for this to be called
good music

The woman playing piano at the bar
The one who goes into a dream sequence
That is me
Not literally
But it is how i feel when i am calm
Dancing delicately from piano to piano

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This Poems Story

What it feels like to be free of anxiety