I said the wrong name yesterday.
The wrong word accidently fell from between my lips.
Those syllables of my nightmares, my choking fears. Syllables
That demolished my splintered life, until I was a hopeless shadow
Mute, I heard the sound I hated yesterday. The sound I made
That floated from the depths of my throat
As if it belonged there, as if it would never leave. I heard this
Virus of my memories infiltrating every hope, every dream
Reminding me of the futility of escape. The futility of being
Free of breathing. That terrifying echo filled my ears
And I crumbled. The trigger had been pulled, and this unknown
Sniper tore through all the work I had done. I couldn't see
Look up. Explain. I couldn't stand. Pretend. Escape.
I couldn't cry. Be safe. Breathe. I found myself bent over
Shaking, surrounded by friends, strangers, oblivious laughter
My desperate hand was at my own neck. My mind was frozen,
Petrified, of what it would remember, what it would re-live.
I found myself trembling with familiarity, but I didn't fall
I was no longer helpless! I found myself re-broken in an instant
And I taught myself to breathe, again. and I found a way to stand,
Again. and I forced myself to see, again. I found myself re-broken
But I was able to splint my shattered core, tourniquet my terror,
I was able to refuse to crumble refuse to admit defeat.
I had grown, and I was proud! I found myself re-broken yesterday
Yet I refused to drown in fear. I said the wrong name yesterday
And I survived. I chose to stand up, and laugh!
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