By nat   

Thinking about it hurt. They didn’t understand that every word spoken left me more confused and unsure. It was like trying to hide in the desert. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I wanted to face what was bothering me. I really did but I was afraid of the backlash. I wanted to come alive but I was afraid. Fear was rooted too deep inside me to pull out. Maybe I was to blame for my bad habits. Maybe I was the problem and maybe I was the solution. Maybe i was overthinking and creating nonexistence problems for myself. Maybe deep inside I wanted excitement in my life. Maybe it was the fact that sometimes a wave of sadness washed over me and I didn’t quite know why.Whenever I would retell my experience, they would say that “it's normal” but something inside me would whisper “no its not”. I would try to make sense of it all. Overthinking my decision and labeling myself. What if I was defined by label. What is I was? What made me most afraid was when I questioned who I was? I can't answer that and I’m afraid i'll find out and hate myself.

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thoughts in my mind