They ask me.
“Why do you do this to yourself”
I say nothing.
I think,“control”
The amount of control I have over my body.
Makes me feel so incredibly powerful.
Control over my body makes up for all the other things I’ve lost control for
Like the emptiness I feel everyday .
Or the sadness that takes over my entire body.
The anxiety that makes me worry about every single damn thing.
Or the depression that doesn't allow me to do everyday simple tasks.
Or the suicidal thoughts that rush my mind all the fucking time.
Or the strong urges to tear my skin apart.
The pleasure I feel when the pain of the cuts hit me.
Or how tired I feel all the time.
The kind of tired sleep can't fix.
Or the overwhelming feeling of self hatred I feel.
Everytime I look into a mirror.
Or the way people treat me.
The way they hurt me.
I have no control of anything else in my life.
So when I binge.
On all my favorite fatty foods.
High calorie foods.
High carb foods.
High sugar foods.
And can still step on the scale and see the exact same number.
Maintain that weight.
It makes me feel so amazing.
That control.
Makes me feel amazing
That there finally is something I haven’t lost control of.
Makes me feel amazing.
The control.
But if you look deeper.
After I take one bite.
I take another.
And another.
I grab everything I can find.
I don’t want to eat it all.
I don’t feel like eating more.
My stomach screams at me to stop.
But my mind tells me you want more.
My hands are reaching out for more and more.
And I can’t stop them.
I can’t stop it.
After every meal I finish.
I think of ways to get it out.
how I will get it out.
I rush to the nearest restroom.
I panic.
My heartbeat fastens.
I crouch over the toilet.
When im done.
I’m relieved it’s out.
It’s gone
But scared.
Knowing it could kill me.
It will kill me.
But I can’t stop.
So actually.
If you look deeper.
I’ve lost control.
In that too.

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