I dance with your memory in the rain,
Your face is a still frame in my mind.
My heart, it aches, it breaks for you,
For your mother, your father, too.
My arms want to reach to hug your brother, to remind him it wasn’t him who made you jump.
I dance with the emptiness in the dark,
My dead phone that won’t buzz, so I’ll turn it off.
I wait for your voice to come and ring through,
To hear you, to know it’s true.
I dance with the loneliness in the sunrise,
I watch your colors shine bold and true.
I have pride for you, I miss you and I love you.
I wait for your image to flash through the sky,
And somewhere in between, I ask God why.
Why did he leave you broken and scared?
How could you still trust Him, love Him, cherish Him?
My Buddha doesn’t answer me with anything more than silence.
I dance with the tears alone in my kitchen,
I crave your sweet voice to calm down these demons.
I wait for your arms to close around mine,
To hold me, to love me, to not let me die.
I selfishly wait, because I am not brave enough to say hello to your demons.
I dance with your demons in the dead of the night,
They tell me your secrets, they said you fought a good fight.
Their arms are what holds me back down,
Their arms hand me the pills, and the ammunitions.
Their arms hold me down as I drift off to sleep,
And when I awake in the morning,
I’ll be dancing with you my love.
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It's almost one year since my friend took her life, and this was the first poem I wrote about it that I am finally brave enough to share. Lots of love, Sarah.