dear, anxiety

dear, anxiety

it’s so weird that you have a name now
I use to always think that’s just how humans lived on
that it was normal to rehearse conversations before having them
starving yourself rather than eating in front of any of them
wondering why everyone is staring at me
is it because of my face, body or every other flaw visible to see
sitting for hours wondering why everyone hates me
was all this because you hate me?

it’s so weird that you have a voice now
first all I could hear was me but now it’s different somehow
I remind myself that you are not me
that you only live in me but yet you’re stronger than me
you control me
you fight me
you hurt me
you break me
you scare me
you make me weak
and you hide so well, fuck you’re sly like that
you hide so well that you almost don’t exist to the world
and yet you make yourself my world.

it’s so weird that you exist now
I have to take you everywhere I go in fear
you’re the longest relationship i’ve ever had, no doubt
you’re so possessive that you don’t let anyone else come near
you leave no room for an affair
even when I try to forget, you come back and leave a bigger mark
so trying to forgot also leaves a scar.

it’s so weird that you control me now
you pull me back as I try to run
you push me down as I try to jump
“it’s my way or the highway” you enforce
you’re so strong and authoritative
you run my life for me, without any remorse
“don’t speak to anyone, you’re not worthy”
you remind me every time I dare to exist
just one word, I plead and beg
maybe a small smile, I continue to negotiate
“but you’re a reject” you harshly remind me
so I sigh and I close my mouth tight walking away quietly
cause you must always have the last word, unfailingly.

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