Dear the Father I Never Had

Dear the Father I never had,

Do you remember when I was born?

Oh how the tears swelled up in your eyes

Your heart trembling

Because this was your baby girl

Do you remember when you brought me to the park to show me off?

You told all the other mothers that I could

Climb the highest and swing the furthest

They looked at you like you were crazy

But to you this was amazing

To you this meant that your baby girl could

Reach the highest and furthest for her dreams

Do you remember when I first rode a bike?

During the first 10 minutes I scrapped my knee and ran all the way home crying

You took me in an embrace as soon as you heard my wailing

You sang “Every little thing is gonna be alright”

While I giggled along, placing a band-aid on my knee

Do you remember when I had my first crush?

You were the first person I told

My eyes melting away as I said


Your eyes melting away because you thought I had replaced you

But Daddy,

Couldn’t you see that no one can replace you

Because no man's love is greater than the love you have for me

Do you remember when I got bullied at school?

Everyday I would run up to my room crying

Ignoring your badgering questions and foolish hugs

The questions I used to love

The hugs that used to make me forget all my troubles

Do you remember when I first went to boarding school?

You cried the whole way there, telling me

To stay true to myself

Telling me to reach the highest and furthest

Because I was your baby girl

Do you remember when you took me to the top of the world?

The trees high

The sky clear as day

The wind making my eyes swell up with tears

But it was ok

Because you held me hand and sang

“Every little thing is gonna be alright”

Because you thought it was going to be

Do you remember?

Dad, of course you don’t

Because these memories do not exist

Because when I was born your heart spilled with hatred

When you even remembered to bring me to the park, you would leave

Without me, forgetting me, losing me

Because when I came home crying from a scrapped knee

You laughed in my 7 year old face

And walked away

When I had my first crush

I never told you his name

But instead wrote in my journals

When I got bullied and went into years of depression

You never asked if i was ok

But instead questioned

How someone so weak could be your daughter?

When I first left for boarding school

You turned your back

And didn’t say goodbye

Because that day would be

Good riddance, you could finally be alone

And you never took me to the top of the world

Because being with me would make you resentful

Because that is all that you are

Dad, tell me how it feels

All that you have is loneliness

How does it feel to be unwanted


I am supposed to miss you

But because of you

It confuses me how any man

Could ever love me since my own


Could not

Would not

Now when I look into a mirror

I don’t see beauty

Just the flaws that made you leave

Because you never called me beautiful

Dad, but I want to be strong

I’m trying to be strong for the both of us

Because you never were

I want to be indepent

Because my whole life I was dependant on you

To tell me that I was beautiful, even though you didn’t think I was

I have to tell myself that I am

Because I am worth it

I am worth it to be strong and independent

I wish you were here to see me

Maybe then you would see that I am worth more than you think

I wouldn’t glance back to see the smile on your face


Dad, I do remember

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