Devoid Self

Tears roll back beyond the eyes,
It washes away something, something important,
It washes away what should be there,
Something I’m supposed to have,
I know it should be there but I feel void of it,
I hear see speak the void,

I don’t feel hurt, so it can’t have been important,
There is an anger there beneath it all.
It’s quick and seamless,
The trigger behind the gun,
It doesn’t hurt, so it can't be important,

There is tears cascading down my cheek but I can’t feel it,
Only the memories blur with every sparked thought,
I am sad and longing,
I think I’m sad at least,
I can’t remember why,
It’s a bunch of things,
Bunches of terror filled hills I can’t climb,

Too many eyes,
I can’t hide from those,
Some don’t see either,
They feel something better,
They have a purpose,

I don’t want one.
Why should I have it?
It hurts, it’s not supposed to suffocate,
It grasps my neck,
I think I breath,
I can’t be dead, it’s still here

So why can’t I find it,
I’m afraid to,
I’m not what I’m supposed to be,
People like constant things,
I don’t feel constant,
I don’t feel sad,
I don’t like them,
They ask constant things,

They see,
I don’t look,
They echo,
I like quiet,
They try touch,
I don’t want that,
They won’t leave,
Leave me be,
I want aloneness,
It has a void.

I said bad, sharp, lifeless things,
I don’t feel sorry right now,
Too tired of holding it under,
I will later, I’m sure,
But I don’t have it in me,
I can’t remember the feel of it,
It would be worthless without it,
I ought to know why,

They are nice.
They are important.
I know that must be true,
I have it for them.
It won’t last long.
Not today,
Today is void.
A break.
It needs to fix.
They make me start over.
It makes the trigger pull.
I need fragments or I can’t begin.

So let me be,
I will fix it,
I will fix the void filled fragments,
I will be better ,
So be patient,
Because tomorrow,
Tomorrow I will be constant too.

Forgive the me now,
I’m much too fake to matter,
I will try to be real.
To be less faceless,
and less emotionless,
To find a way beyond the void,
Into a devoid self.

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