Dim hallways

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
I think it is impossible.
This ache I feel in the deepest, furthest part of me pushes to the surface when I allow my thoughts
to dwell on you
and wrings tears from my eyes like a coiled fist.
I don’t know you.
I did once, but I have forgotten.
They told me I chose to forget, but how could that be?
How could I choose to forget you? You who mean so much to me? You who have been the cause of so many blissful daydreams and such bitter, bitter tears?
Such intensity could only be sparked by a love with the deepest roots. One I wouldn’t want to forget.
They tried to make me forget
you but you’re still shining.
You’re the last stubborn coal in the fireplace,
refusing to dim.
You’re the indentation in the paper after the drawing has been erased.
I know you used to be mine. I feel you in my emptiness.
to be torn from your side and cast onto this earth.
You’re lost from me and
I’m lost from you.
Loving you and missing you comprise the totality of my being.
Not always, but in moments like these
when I’m crying in dim hallways
and my head aches and my soul hurts.
Are you also wiping your tears in a dim hallway?
I hope you are.
I hope my absence is tearing you apart.
I hope knowing that you knew me but do not know me now is shredding your spirit
because it isn’t fair that my suffering should be one sided.
It is a cosmic injustice.
I border on blasphemy but
this isn’t petulance, this is pain.
I know how the lobster feels,
tossed in a pot and boiled alive—
screams of agony that are willfully ignored, prayers for relief that are purposefully unanswered.
My faith isn’t fading, but
I am.
It’s more than twenty one years without you. It’s twenty one thousand. It’s twenty one million.
Does your soul yearn for mine as much as mine does for yours?
Are you throwing away responsibilities to huddle in dark corners and scribble about how much it hurts?
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
I think it is impossible.

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