Disconnected


I feel a constant weight above me,
Some days it presses down to a point where I feel trapped and out of control,
Other days I feel free,
Like I could step away from under it,
But then fear consumes me.
And I feel if I step away for just a moment,
Then it will all come crashing down,
Creating destruction to everything and everyone close enough to catch the brute of its force

So I feel this responsibility to hold this weight up,
But it feels as if it's getting stronger,
Pushing my limits till I burst,
I feel I should be more upset if it were to crush me,
But my first and only thought is that it would all be over anyway,
Hopefully my body is enough to cushion the blow,
Enough to protect the ones I love and the things I have a connection with

I have thought long and hard about what this weight is,
Does it have the significance I believe it does?
Is that a risk I am willing to take?
To step away.
and potentially see destruction?
Once the weight is gone,
Will a new weight,
Very familiar,
Be on standby to take the position of his fallen friend?

Everyone is telling me to give it god,
Says he is the only one who can help me,
My mind is fed these truths of God wanting my brokenness and sin,
So aside from the empty prayers,
My heart rejects a love that I feel I do not deserve.
A disconnect between my heart and mind,
Refusing to take in these said truths,
And turning away from a gift that I don’t feel that is mine to receive

It is a feeling I cannot explain,
Its like I have on a pair of shoes that are becoming to small,
Suffocating my feet and causing discomfort with every step,
I love these shoes though,
They have provided me the most protection in this stage of life,
And I am scared to try on a new pair,
Will there even be another pair to put on?
Or will I be left barefoot and exposed,
Blisters starting to form on my soles,
On my soul.
Blisters soon to become calluses hardened from the world,
Not knowing any of life destined for comfort and care

So I am left with a choice,
Do I stay and endure the pain of these shoes,
And hold up the weight of my world?
Till I get to a point of if another step is taken it could be my last,
leaving me to watch the world and the ones I love run past
I do not have a solution at this point,
I do not want to leave my soles without protection or have everything be crushed,

So for now I will wait,
I will tie my shoes tight and hold my hands up high,
and I will selfishly cling to the time I have left,
for I know it's not forever,
I just hope and pray my body and mind can become one,
before it's too late.

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