episodes


a thought
it expands and
engulfs
it won't go away

an unwritten book
of concrete rules
if they are broken
you pay the price.
if they are not
you spend your life
trying to escape
the cold fear that confines you

you are different.
you see the world
through eyes that lie
and a headache
full of regret.

a kaleidoscope of images
goes faster and faster
the abs the girl with the jawbone and tanned skin the pale thin child with the hollow eyes you were four years ago the peak exercise the gym the pressure to have a big ass and small waist but you just want the food you are not allowed you just want to break the rules
the chips the apple crumble the sugar the bread the hummus the strawberries the fat wobbling on your stomach don't look in the mirror you can already feel the fat swallowing your organs and legs and arms and face oh god please make it stop please sto-

mirror mirror
on the wall
who is the fairest
of them all?
tell me i'm pretty
tell me i'm thin
tell me i dont need
to feel disgusted again

you dont want to look
at the tell-tale glass
because as soon as you see
the white, fat
flesh,
what lives inside you
will plant a thought
that will start off as a whisper
progress to a panic
heaving chest
can't breathe
screaming

the truth is
you will never be free
you will just put the last chip in your mouth
feel the last tear roll down your cheek
remember to breathe
and tomorrow
you start again.

c.y.

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This Poems Story

This story is about what goes on in my mind when the voice of my eating disorder is strong and I feel out of control.