Forget Forgotten Forgetfulness


Once I woke from a dream of holding hands,
Only to realize I couldn't remember how it felt

I remember the feeling of loss as it struck me,
Ears ringing, wincing in forgotten agony,
Dilated pupils staring forward into the dark
as I recognized the grotesque stillness of reality
Pushing back at the frontier of Sleep

I'm not sure I've ever felt so alone
As I did then
trying to remember the memory of affection

The dull roar of everyday life droned on at its normal pace
both inexplicably fast
and itchingly lethargic
But somehow different

There are people constantly moving around me,
But the recognition that I ought not feel alone
in no way elivieated the overwhelming loneliness
that rendered me somehow blind

The problem with A- going through like sans emotion
Or B- actively suppressing those emotions
Is that, in neither case,
are you prepared to deal with extenuating circumstances

Never had someone seemed so like me, yet so opposite;
we seem to exist juxtaposed;
living in dramatic contrast of one another

If I could explain the real nature of my emotions
I'd probably be an entirely different person- which is beside the point

But I might've know how to deal with the irony
Of feeling affection for one of the only people to whom I've expressed
That I find myself frequently incapable of just that

Lack of comprehension clings to me in a way I ought to recognize

I've never been so confused as the time we acted like two people in love
in a world we mocked for believing in it

I know not what you saw it to be
I didn't know at first
Such a separation between my logical mind and romantic notions
that I either wait for them to pass, or refuse to acknowledge their presence
I fight the compulsion to give into it

I wish I could say it in a way I could make you understand
Or even a way that allows me to understand,
But I'm drawn to you

Feeling is so inherently abhorable, so downright disgraceful, so truly pathetic,
I almost can't feel the adrenaline rush of reading this
Over the nausea.
I'm only mostly joking.
Sometimes I hate myself more that I ever have, yet sometimes
I catch myself smiling at nothing

I am a complete disaster of a human being

And maybe you wish I was more positive, probably, or practical
Or nice, or encouraging, or funny, or whatever

I recognize I'm in no way your equal, or even vaguely desirable
There is no reason for you to like me at all

I wis I knew how to tell the only person I know, who expresses less emotion than me,
That I'm afraid I could fall in love with them if I'm not careful

I dreamed about holding hands
and now that I have
I am no less confused

You are one of the only people I've ever wanted to let know me the way you do.
Not everyone thinks about the world like you
And I shared part of myself so I could get to know you

We both have a relatively loose tie to reality
I'd like to leave it behind

Lonely is an emotion created by chemicals in my brain
affecting electrical charges,
I acknowledge this, yet still I feel so abundantly, bone chillingly, hopelessly alone.
Recognition of the futility of my loneliness in no way alleviates the pressure

I cannot chase my own forgetfulness
through my thoughts, expanses of,
emptiness
I realize this is a new sensation
Perhaps not love or affection but merely confusion

Forgive me,
Please,
I ought to have known that I couldn't handle
acting the way we did
Without starting to slip

I create a world for myself of chaos
dulled attentions and passive observation
Yet I allow you to confuse me

And maybe that's enough

In the stillness of reality
Perhaps confusion is enough
Because it is something new in the sprawling, monotonous
skylines of reality

But I'm acting pathetic
I've spent some time standing on the roof edges to see if you'll stop me
or make ones to see if you'll smile at me
Or leave my gloves at home

And even if I am completely delusional
I've learned two things:

1 - you cannot platonically teach someone to ice skate

& 2 - if you hear someone who can never care about you say, “I practice how to respond to social situations but I wouldn't know how to practice romance”, and he first thought you have is “you can practice on me” you don't want to be standing very near the roof’s edge

It's just so painful for me sometimes
To know that when we touch
You're perhaps wondering why you feel nothing,
While all I do is beg myself to forget forgotten forgetfulness

For wondering of affection I have destroyed us both

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