Fulfilling the Empty Soul


My mother says to me, “Baby, I don’t know what else you’re missing. I don’t know what more you need.” I said to her, “Sometimes, I don’t even know myself.” To have all the components of a happy life, yet still find such a deep sense of sadness within you is an unbearable heaviness at times. And that heaviness just drains you. It creates this emptiness that drives you crazy when all you want to do is be full of life like how you once were. I was such a happy child. Even at times when we had nothing but the warmth of each other. Those were the times we held each other the closest. Wrapped each other up in love and made the definition of family. Family is such a heavy topic for some. Probably for all. Very much so for me. I have held my family the closest to me but when I found my grip start to slip I hid myself away and became a stranger. To have my mother tell me that she does not recognize me anymore, it steals the air out of my lungs. Does she not know she is all I see when I look into the mirror. Does she not still understand the heart I carry is the one she gave me. I do not have the option of becoming a stranger even when I do everything I can to disappear. It is the only thing that keeps me grounded at times. So how do I begin again? Which steps do I take and how far do I go and who comes with me? Who do I leave behind? All I want to do is shed this empty shell I’ve been living in and find the worth of myself once more. Life has drained me more times than I can bear, but to have at least one person love you enough to remind you that you are not empty, and fight to fill you up with love, it is all I need. I allowed myself to forget that I am loved by every person who held my hand as a child and took a part in watering my roots to ensure my growth. I cannot wither away anymore. I have to put the life back into myself and remind myself to breathe because I am still living. And as long as I am living I must continue to grow. To fight. To become a better version of me every second of every day because that is how I was raised. I have seen my mother in her most helpless of times, and she has never shown me to give up or give in

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