Funny, Human girl.


I was once a little girl
With massive hopes and dreams
Dreams it seems don't mean much in the long haul
Unless you play that hard ball
In which case you can have it all.

But when you’re in a situation like mine
Where everyone thinks you’re fine
But truly you’re not fine you're supposed to be aging like fine wine
you’re spoiled.

Little girls shouldn't be painted black and blue
you see my daddy would paint me into a reddish hue
Whether with a paddle or his hands
The image always seemed to scue
In his favor not mine
For you see I was behind the line of father and daughter and listen to your elders
For they were the welders of who you should be
They pieced you together and you should get on your knees and give thanks.

Are you hurt hun?

No one.

I would close my eyes
Sometimes wish to the skies believe that maybe someone would see me
Me and my shredding soul
That big gaping hole
But no I was alone.

My mother tried to save me but either because of this green thing called money or this body called women no one would listen.
My mothers tears sting my eyes oh my how they glisten on her cheeks.
She seeks for a future we could have had but my father, is not was, so extremely bad
It makes me sick to be so consumingly sad.

There are multiple forms of abusive
Mental when someone wraps around your head and sinks their claws into your thoughts and dreams and abound in your hopelessness.
Physical when your skin is not just one color but painted like a night sky and every touch is like a silver stab keep your mouth shut you don't want them to see.
Emotional when someone digs deep down inside to who you are, switches on the blender and watches you spin trying to grab onto the frosting that is emotion your useless jabs.

Funny.

You see when I was younger my friend’s dad died and I don't know what is worse that daddy wanted you and now he's gone or that daddy never wanted you at all.
I can see myself fall not falling because I will fall eventually probably soon, I can feel his ever present control following me like that stalker in the park that preys on lonely people, that spark of ever looming uselessness.

I can try and tell my friends maybe even see a therapist but no one can ever really get it I can sit and chit chat with minor small talk of weather and books but no one will ever truly understand the hooks that lay deep within my skin that thin layer of dread that makes me feel dead but I'm not dead I am very much alive no I'm more like a shell this idea of human girl this should be human girl.

Human girl that seems funny to me and I don't know why, I guess I'm used to being a chew toy in this thing called divorce because I am neither old enough or mature enough to understand but through this battle I've withstood, you grow up with experiences and I think I've had enough for a lifetime but people control you, put a knife to your back and whisper walk and you can't talk back because that blade can severe and yes it's just a metaphorical blade but those are worst you see those cut up young people's sanity.

I've tried to explain to you about my life and many lives like mine where fathers hurt daughters and daughters just wither so I beseech you to come hither and listen to me as I say, I've been beat down, I've been a twin to the midnight sky, I’ve been called immature even though I've endured, I have been told I needed help because of something out of my control and that put damage on my weary soul. I don't know if you have had it worse or if you think I’m just complaining but my chest is locked up tight with words I've wished I've said or will never get the chance to say I will just keep going day by day and in some distant or near future I will fall and when that time comes I will not ball myself into a cocoon wrap myself up inside my head and scream.

No I will let go and fall and in that ever fading light I will wave you all goodbye because you all understand I fought and tried and my soul has given up and died.

One can only take so much in a lifetime and I have taken all of mine.

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