Goodnight Dad


I can only hope
When I close my eyes;
My head held tight to my pillow.
I will see you passing by.

I'm not greedy to any degree,

If my dreams consist of only a second, of recognition,

My dream state noticing
That for a moment

My dad
Was there.

I'd be satisfied.

All I wish for is a moment,

That I can see your face.

Again.

So I can be sure to remember the details,

Just a moment.

To capture exactly the color of your hair and eyes,

And save it to my memory,

As if I'm a hard drive on a computer.

while my neck is cradled by the fluffy cotton on my bed.

I'm not too greedy to ask for a full conversation with you,

But perhaps...
a quick glance,
Just an acknowledgement that we
Know each other.

We very much know each other.

I want you to see me and recognize me.

Your Daughter,

I want to say Hi Dad.

Another time, not just once

more

In my sleeping state ...

Is is too much to ask for 1 more conversation?

Just a light topic,

We can ask each other about the weather...

To me its not important what is discussed

I just want to hear your voice

Another time.

Snuggled under my covers,

I'd like to maybe possibly ask how you are

I want you to tell me youre sorry

And I wish to also say
Daddy I miss you.

In my softly dark room lit only by streetlights

I want to ask if you saw me today
The day I went to work and was reminded of you and the time I was driving and remembered your favorite songs

I want to ask about your childhood

I want to know all your favorite things at once

Down to your favorite time to wake up
Afternoon? Morning ?

I'd like to clarify a few things like which Stevie nicks song was your favorite and how old was your family pet when it passed
I want to hear about the story again when you were arrested when you were a kid, being a silly teenager

Do I remember it correctly those details?

I want to tell you about how I can drive now and how I finally purchased my own car and let you know the town car was smooth as a cloud to drive

I want to talk so much that years go by in my dream.

I want to share stories while the sun blazes on us

I want to tell you about my day, and how it went while missing you how I'm surviving

or not

Can I just tell you

How I feel?

When my lashes softly touch my cheeks and I dream,

I'd like to see my dad once more.

Maybe we can hug?

Not truly an embrace but just a hi.

A normal touch between
Father and Child.

Id like to see you smile at me.

I want to hear you say that you're proud of me

I want to hear it so badly I only look forward to sleep.

Because

I can only hope.
And wish.
Pray even.
Beg
Plead
Cry
Sob
Question
Regret

That
When I close my eyes;
Puffy and swollen as they may be,
And relax my
tired.
achey.
body
into my mattress,
With My head, pounding with thoughts held tight to my pillow.

When I finally am able to fall asleep. And it will be a while, hours even.

But when I'm finally out cold,

I want to
No
I will.

I will see you passing by.

Because when I'm awake

All I have is groggy memories.

And your ashes on a shelf.

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