Grounded


I can absolutely calm down.
This moment is a microcosm, I
can calm down.
I
always get anxious and my heart pounds, I worry
about every possible outcome, every possible emotion. Well,
the truth is, I’ve felt all of the emotions before and I can handle them again. I know I can.

I take on responsibility for the feelings of those whom I care about the most,
in true “adult child” codependent fashion.
Their feelings are not mine. Their
internal processor is going to come up with explanations and emotions and
all kinds of questions- none of which are mine.

The hours I’ve spent consoling and counseling,
Left with the smoky whisper of their worries and the
Foreboding flames of my own.

I can absolutely calm down. I did not sew the threads of anyone else’s
life.
I did not lay down the bricks and
I cannot reshape the landscape.
I can only change my own mental filter, remove
the typically twisted interpretations, and
face facts.

I am not blind to pain and I never will be. It will intermittently bulge up from under the surface-
a cyst-
it will rise and stretch, and it will fall.

My limbs feel heavy with lead when I imagine doing the things I love. The idea of making the effort is too much effort in itself, and it scares me.
Sometimes I wonder if we live in a simulation and I scare myself and
I realize that everything is meaningless and
that we will all perish and Silence will win and

I can calm down. The here and the now are tangible truths
My feet sting on the hot cement and
My shoulders are wide and I love this pounding heart. I care
too much sometimes and I worry all the time but
the simplicity of my cyclical thinking sends me into a tailspin at times and
It sends me home.

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