happy new year

i spent this last year thinking about this year
deciding which part of my life would get fucked up by life
whether a breakup would happen on a wednesday
or in an inconvenient way
like the day before my dog gets run over
when i wouldn't get to say goodbye
and i'd have to hear it through the static of a car phone call
and i wouldn't even have a body to cradle
an ash tray on the coffee table
a hand to hold on the operating table

i might lose my mind
i'll start to think that my mind can't lose itself again
i'll stop taking the pills and breathing my way through it
i might lose my mind again

there's a way to appreciate grief and lunacy
if only in the few minutes following
when i lose the direction of my voice
the room becomes the largest part of the world
because it's only impossible to cry
when the body has worked too hard already

half of my battle is coming up with a good metaphor
for the shitty wordplay of an "every day" kind of day.
the other half is finding people who care about me enough to listen

i might lose my mind again
am i losing my mind again?

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