Hate, confusion, love

I love you,
I hate you,
I trust in you,
I fear you,
I crave your embrace,
I suffocate when your near,
I feel complete next to you,
I feel shattered by your betrayal,
I dream of a happy future by your side,
And yet I drown in nightmares,
I picture you both laughing at the fool I've become just for you,
We created a life together,
All through the nights I hold tightly his innocent heart and protect it with my own.
Alone in hell,
I'd listen as you'd whisper sweet nothings to your whore,
Then stand choking on tears as you spit your venom at me,
Closing out another night with another cold and empty I love you.
I've allowed the torture to last for over two year's, punishing myself endlessly believing it's what I deserved somehow.
Crimson sketches lose their sway for peace,
Clouds lose their flight,
Pills lose all ability to push away the flames and words became meaningless, just as I am in his eyes.
I step down within myself,
Let go of any and all self control, giving in to this beautiful blue eyed devil, letting her step into my shoes for the night.
Held conversations full in terror,
Devouring handfuls of wishful death,
White and round,
Insane laughter falls wild and free from my lips, like the mad woman I've always known myself to be.
Sickness fell unknowingly and uncaring,
Pleaded for a silence, for solitude, for him to turn and walk away one last time and to let me rest deep, but like this rain, surprises fall fast and hard throughout this night.
I've awakened and fell fast asleep everyday since then, full in amazement.
He denied my attempts and shed tears that still read real enough, never more confused have I been by another.
Inflicting, lieing, concealing, spilling buckets of useless hate and love, like a gift with purchase, love always came with pain, making me less of what I was and more void....

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