Hitting the Bottom Again


I Hit the Bottom Again

I put myself here
I throw myself into the chasm myself again and again
Do I expect different results, or am I just too comfortable in the misery to risk feeling a fleeting sense of satisfaction?
Why is it so hard to accept what you have?
Why do I only want things I can’t have?

Romance is a pink and red heart-shaped illusion dreamed up by the human psyche to distract us from feeling too deeply the gaping hole we get by despising our jobs, lives, and children and demolishing the earth

Little words that don’t have meaning to you are the untied lace that accidentally trips me off the edge

You look in the mirror and see who you want to be, but when you walk away from the reflection you forget your ambitions

Keep thinking I won’t let myself back in the chasm
But this time the chasm offered me a railing to hold on to
Then ripped the railing off the walls and threw me down onto my back and the depth of the chasm choked me

I need to change the cycle but I do not WANT to change the cycle

Falling into the chasm can only result in heaven or hell
Giving in to falling opens you up to being completely shattered and o p e n and bleeding on the ground
Why is falling the only way I open up
Why do I need the torture of emotional recall
Music, songs, lyrics, words, You and Me
Why can’t I not want the complication
What’s the point of the pain before the fall?
Self-inflicted and still unable to pinpoint the cause

Nothing keeps me satisfied
The exhilaration of falling gives me a reason to keep climbing back out of the chasm
Why is falling the only way I open up
The chasm is warm and feels like home
The chasm gives me anxiety and is the reason I’m awake at 3 am
Fuck the chasm
The only place I’m comfortable no matter where I am, a place I can go in my head that no one can touch and can never be filled
I blur the lines so I can blame the lines for my blurred perspective
I’m so confused as to how I got here
5th grade ended yesterday but so did 12th grade
There’s absolutely no sense in it
Why is falling the only way I open up

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