How to Keep your Sanity in a not so Sane World
How does one keep their sanity in a not-so-sane world? I wish there were a 12-step program for this, but unfortunately it does not exist. Every person is different- every situation unique. Every mind woven of its own genetic makeup and free will; comprising of every moment from the time the child is born to the day of his/her last breath, is every influential decision ever made. It is during this space of time that cultivates an individual- what makes a human, well, human.
Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending upon how you perceive it), it is very easy to lose grip of reality (or perhaps it is not reality at all- who am I to say? I am merely human) in this realm of terrestrials. The questions are endless, the answers obscure, the troubles plaque every part of this world. I am not sure how to differentiate fact from fiction anymore. My mind is a torrent of thoughts that coarse through my brain- penetrating even the core of my soul. Perhaps it is solely in my mind, alone… This plague, I mean, of self-defeat and abhor of it all.
To be honest, some days my sanity is very difficult to manage, other days I can pretend it does not exist (the lack of it anyway), or at least push it so far back in my mind that I can feel somewhat normal for half a day. Oftentimes, I daydream of beating my head against the wall so furiously that it all just explodes, and nothing is left of my brain at all; of course, I would never do it, but the thought of it just feels nice sometimes. To feel a day without my carnivorous thoughts eating away at my cerebral cortex, gnawing at every fiber, capillary and arterial wall… *sigh* it is almost unimaginable.
You all thought I would share some insight with you, but I have none to share. I thought I could give you all a little bit of clarity about how to stay sane; yet I can barely manage it myself. Sure, there are prescriptions of all sorts out there, and I have given a few of them a try; only, they make you numb to the world, and alter your cognizance even more, so then you end up stuck in a loop- what is real now, and what was real before? I feel like my mind is colliding within itself. Perhaps this is what it feels like when worms eat away at your internal flesh. You start to lose it, howbeit, slowly at first. So, you try to fit in with the world on the outside, but that only makes things worse. You are not like them. They are all robots- their thoughts are all the same. They even dress alike and enjoy activities that are rather off-putting to you, like fornication. If you’re anything like me, you’d understand. Fornication is just a way for people to use one another- it’s a selfish act, and only leaves you feeling more worthless than before- it is all meaningless, really.
So, there you stand, on the inside, surrounded by the crowd, or on the outside looking in; either way, you’re like the walking dead, abhorrent to them all. You know more truth than they ever will, and that’s what really eats you up inside. The only thing you can relate to them on is the inquisition of why we all exist. There is another dilemma with this all now though, and that is that you have become unreliable. A recluse even. You do not relate to the world, so you hide from them, secretly wishing you could vanish into thin air. You used to love being outdoors, playing in nature, breathing the fresh air; but now, that has become a chore for you. You have grown so used to hiding in the shadows- it is safer that way, or so you tell yourself; however, this only creates a whirlwind of debilitating thoughts that throw you into confusion, perhaps even into tears, upon your bed, night after night, day after day. You yearn to see the light of day, but now it is a drudgery to even lift your head. Your days are better spent asleep, where life is more vibrant and real. You’ve learned to navigate that world very well.
Each day you wake up with a new desire to want to better yourself, to actually make something of yourself today; but the thought of it all fades as quickly as a new day, and you’re back in your bed, sleeping the light away, avoiding as much human contact as you possibly can. This is your safe space. No one can harm you here. No one can tell you lies or try to sleep with you for their own benefit. And just like that a year has gone by, and nothing has changed. Your mind still preys at you. Your motivation and reason to live has nearly depleted. Is this what the world is all about? Why is it all so meaningless? I guess I will never know the answer to that, at least not in this lifetime, nor in this realm. And so folks, my sanity remains questionable to say the least, and as for you all, well, let me know if you find a cure; in the meantime, I will continue my sombrous journey and take it one day at a time. Perhaps I will eventually manage to find a reason to live again (whatever that means). For nothing is what it is, only what you perceive it to be, and thus the question still remains, how does one not lose their sanity?