I Don’t


I don't understand.
What makes a person, who's
Warmth, who's strength, who's very
Presence makes you enlightened,
What makes them act the way they do?
It's abnormal and
I don't believe it: That's the next stage.
Disbelief. It begins with the shock. It's despair.
The pit of your stomach feeling. the anticipation.
The drop.
Then the shame hits, and it's a self-loathing, crawling
Feeling that remains with you, reminding you as you try
For some desperate minuteshoursdays to distract yourself
From it. It comes back. But it comes back. and it comes back.
It's being depressed without the depression, because you
Know there are people worse off than you in the world but
You cant help it. Its your body. It slouches and it slumps under
The pressure, under the sudden cold in your cheeks before the
Tears hit. It's the fallen head and slacken shoulders that tighten
Together in the palms. Its
The anger and the pain that you feel that cannot be cleansed,
Because it's the loneliest place in the world. It's the I don't
Wanna wake up routine. and after the
Minuteshoursdays of this comes physical pain. the ache in the
Shoulders, the black space in the chest, the realising it's the end
And you must move on.

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