I Love You


I feel the cold air hit my skin in a soft and subtle way. The goosebumps rise and I can feel my hair being softly swept to the side. I imagine I am not here. Not covered in blood. Not wielding a knife with a razor sharp edge that I plunged in to your side. I imagine that I cannot hear your screams or cries. I imagine that I am somewhere far away, somewhere other than here standing next to you on a chilly night, wondering where exactly my breaking point was and how you pushed me here.

I am not a bad person. Maybe crazy was the word. There was nothing left for me to do. Like a renegade angel I flew from heaven to your side to protect you at every turn and you repay with anger and hate. Hate comes in many forms and the way you chose to show yours was, in short, a bad decision. I relished every hit. Every time you punched me in the face. I could feel the heat of the swell of my eye. The gouging and the slapping. I admit. I was the first to throw a punch, but you always knew how to rouse me. I am me. I am not one of your poor pathetic past lovers. A cheater. A liar. NO. This is not who I am, and yet you compare me to them. I ask myself, “Why must I pay for the sins of others?”

There comes no answer. Only the slow beating of your heart slipping away into the black night, against the rapid beating of my adrenaline pumped heart. Such a contrast. I sit beside you as I wait for you to draw your last breath. I wait in silence. You are motionless, staring at me with cold eyes. Ice frozen into your pupils as you shower me with your hate.

I love you. I whisper the words to you as you lay dying at my hand and my side. I love you.

There will be no more pain. No more sorrow, and ultimately no more tears. We will not cry for each other anymore.

I pull the stash of pills from my pocket and down them each deliberately and with a strong willingness to die. Yes, I will die with you my love. Without you I cannot see myself carrying on. I will die with you, and together we will walk into purgatory and wait for the gates of hell to open upon us. I cut my wrists for good measure and my blood mixes with yours. It's gobbled up by the soil beneath us. I lay my head on your shoulder and wait for sweet release.

I love you. I whisper the words to you as I die lying next to your cold body. I love you.

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