I Was Five

I was five

Dark room.
Lavender night gown draped over my adolescent frame,
quiet whispers of words I can’t remember,
words i’ve tried so hard to forget.
I was five.

The door opened,
My body went tense.
I didn’t like this anymore.
I pretended to be asleep because I had wished I was,
Are you awake?
I did not answer,
He Didn’t care.
I was five.

He came back every year,
I was six.
He came back every year,
I was seven.
He came back every year,
And I had to welcome him with open arms.
I swallowed every memory that crawled up my throat
And they choked me for 10 years.

But No one talks about what happens after...
When the secret is out yet you still feel consumed.
When you thought you would be able to breath but the knot in your stomach is still twisting, and twisting,
Contorting you into a person you don’t even recognize.

He carved pain into my heart, fear into my eyelids and signed my body with his signature,
He left me with
Anger that could chokehold death,
Sadness that seeped out of my skin,
And a Longing that I could not seem to grab a hold of.

I am playing a game of hide and seek with myself and I can’t seem to find her.
I want to be seen but I am afraid of my own shadow.
Like a magnet, my body gravitates to the corner of any crowded room and it’s the only real connection I’ve been able to feel since.

But If you want to help, just love me from afar
Because contact upsets me.
Its to close for comfort and I just want to be able to make that decision for once.

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