I’m not even mad


I'm not even mad that you left anymore.
I'm mad it took you so long.
Our last moments before we ended, you had your hands on my throat.
You choked my body, you suffocated my soul.
I left half of myself laying on the floor.
Unconscious she's still there, breathless at your hands.
I'm mad it took you draining my body, you had to empty my sands into your end.
Stole all of me to flip the hourglass and pour it into someone else.
I can't breathe. I am so angry.
I'm angry I let you break me.
All those days you had an easy out, you stayed because I had a glimmer of light left you wanted to eat.
Happiness is your delicacy and you thrive on disparity.
Oh God I was desperate for you.
You beat the self worth out of me with the fire on your tongue.
You taunted me with your thoughts of a perfect wife and how I'd never fulfill.
I'm so angry I let you hurt me.
So many nights I cried and let your words beat me.
Bruised and bleeding under the skin no one could see how broken.
You were a mosquito draining my life blood and I opened the vein for you to feed.
Empty and starving, a loveless life I learned to lead.
I settled so many times for hate, blamed it all on my mistakes and God there were many.
I'm not saying I was innocent but lets face it your heart was cold from the start.
This didn't end with you any worse off then when it began.
I'm so angry that I doubt myself now.
I doubt my worthiness.
I’ve spent so much time surviving I missed opportunities to live.
I wasted so much thought on what my existence looked like from the inside that I ceased to exist in my own body.
Now jealous of every lost chance to love myself when the world fell short.
Every time you fall short.
I choose to live every morning at the chance I’ll feel love again and every night my tears pour from disappointment.
I have a lot to give means nothing when no one is capable of receiving it.
Everyone says “Girl you gotta’ love yourself more.”
What if that doesn't work?
My love hasn't been enough for anyone else so how can it be for me?
I couldn't make you love me and I can't make myself love you less.
You're an eight appendage monster from the sea, swimming in your ink now I'm as stained as the bullshit I had to wade through for you.
There is no light left to guide me but I can't quit.
I fail to believe I could love an evil like you unconditionally and that there isn't one soul that couldn't do the same for me.
It just wasn't you.
I'm so angry I invested my life into you only to fatten the account for the next girl's heart.
She sleeps in the exact spot you would beat my soul.
She feels secure in those arms that stole the breath out of my body.
I'm so angry that I still feel love for other people but have no comprehension on how to accept it in return.
I’ll never feel secure, I’ll always have this knot on the inside of my lip to remind me of those that claim to love will take everything from you.
Maybe even your life.

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