I’m Trying


I'm tired of hearing "when?"
like it's some sort of contest
a pun for some
Like there's this magical twist
an enchanted wand I could wave
a competition, I was meant to lose
They all giggle when they ask
Already knowing my answer
Im trying...
Twenty three
two years 
Seldom for many
a lifetime for me
Test after Test
growing disappointment
That hideous feeling that
gulps my faith
DOUBT
why
I know you see me, every night
rub my empty whomb
hoping
The scorching silent tears
sizzle down my face
whyyyyyyyy
Is all I could cry
I try and stay strong
Enduring it all
but I know he feels it
The desire, the Want
I know he has questions
but unlike me 
doesn't question You
If Your word says be fruitful and multiply 
then why is the Try
growing bitterness in between
stress of the unknown 
Doctors with blank faces
as each one comes and goes
Treatment after Treatment
False Hope
Its a war 
I constantly battle against
the war of my faith
constantly fighting the ticking clock in my biological mind
that motherly appetite
That thirsts for new life
A process I known
The have to and must
Go through
The fleshly feud between my Spirit and mind
The struggle to just breathe and understand
It's not why or when
It's in Your time.

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