It crept up on me,
so I didn't notice that it had been 3 months since I last felt full
The same routine every day: wake up, work out, track my food, sleep
From hours of searching how many calories are in this
to hours of vigorous exercise, not caring that I couldn't breathe,
or that my muscles felt as if they were on fire every waking moment
or that soreness kept me tossing and turning all night
I say it crept up on me, but that's not right?
Family members called me ¨Moti, Fat¨ during gatherings
Because, it is acceptable to tell a 7-year-old they need to diet
Throwing up meal after meal out of humiliation
How did I let myself get this way?
I remember when I first starved myself in middle school
Was this where it started?
Or maybe 5th grade was the beginning
I ran on the treadmill, while other kids ran around with ice cream,
rich, creamy ice cream that always left a honey-liked aftertaste
But I was told ¨If you eat don't eat ice cream, you can lose 2 pounds¨
Finally, I did lose those 2 pounds, and a couple dozen more
More importantly, I lost a healthy relationship with food
Fear, embarrassment, and guilt always followed after eating
I just wanted to be accepted by someone, anyone,
and now I was accepted, It wanted me
Although I knew better, I let it control my life because,
I would rather starve and purge than become fat again.
My eating disorder crept up on me, and I let it stay