Just In Case I Love You

I’m not very good with words,
I guess I’ve always been a sensory person.
Because when you asked me if I loved you, I was lost.
To me, love has always been a toxic presence in my home.
My father used to always whisper to me that he loved my mother, but I never saw it.
My abuser always whispered to me that he loved me before he used my body as if it was his own.
I know that all of these things aren't love, but some distorted, twisted thing.
Still yet, I don’t know if I love you,
I only know that when you smile the world dims and I see stars.
And when you hold out your hand, I have no choice but to take it.
There are times when I just wish I could cocoon myself in your arms and hide away from the world.
I’m not saying I love you, because I don’t know.
I don’t even know if I trust you.
But your chest feels like home to me and no Tempurpedic can match that level of comfort.
Yeah, I have major trust issues, but I leave the house every morning without walking the dog and he never pees in the house. For awhile I just thought he was a good dog.
But you just knew that I was always running late and walked him before I woke up.
I don’t know if I believe in “forever,” but I saw a few retirement homes in Florida and I’m thinking that we should start saving for one.
Just in case.
Just in case this smoldering feeling in my chest when you look at me is love.
Just in case the relief in my heart is trust.
Just in case one day I decide that I knew I loved you all along.

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I am a bit confused right now about where I am in terms of loving.