just my raw emotions.

I’m so angry.
I’m so sad
So hurt
So broken
So fucking Krazy Glue’d together
Where it stays together for short periods at a time
Then at any second I can pop right back off

So manipulated into thinking so submissive and so fucking caring
Had to have the pressure
So much fucking pressure
And so much fucking critiques
And so many people in my ear tryna preach

I’m over it , all this long term trauma is killing me
And don’t tell me to get over it , y’all planted this seed in me

I’m going to finally express it all ,
i don’t care if they hurt y’all
Y’all ain’t care when it hurt me
Fuck this good karma shit
This heaven and hell shit
Starting to not mean shit to me
My faith is becoming hazy
My hope is diminishing
My push for existence ain’t here like how it used to be

Let’s start from the beginning
I never asked to be here
I never wanted this shit to happen
Why make kids if y’all knew y’all weren’t gonna be parents
Why pass me around like I’m a ball
Or a toy
Why implement that I’m supposed to always be good and be nice and be polite and comply
Not show any other human emotion that we were created to have just because it may seem wrong and because there’s just all these rules made up by someone we don’t know for sure that exists.

I only do what I was taught

I know it’s not y’all fault

And I’m sorry for all y’all went through

But to those who were hurting

And decided that I’m your dump truck

For all of your trash and bullshit

Why did you think it’s ok to hurt me ?

I wish I had any ability to hurt you ...

I wish that I was raised sometimes in a light where I could be as cold and cruel as “you”

And what I mean by “you” is everyone who has ever fucked up my mental

This is dedicated to you.

Whoever hurt me and changed me , I now see the truth

But why ...

Let’s start off with God, should I believe that the best thing you can do for me is take people who are supposed to love me away , and that you’re meaning to put me in these situations of desperation or put me in agony for a good purpose?

Was it really necessary for me to be created for parents to give me up for a fucking drug , did I not mean enough to them?

Did I really have to be teased in school for things that I was born that way with or because I’m growing? There’s food on earth for a reason and I can’t change the features I have I’m sorry

Did I have to be in positions where I felt I was a favor because I was just the hot potato child all my life, I’m not even a child anymore

Did I have to get beat for doing child things ? Why do I have expectations of an adult put onto me
When I can barely comprehend half of the meanings of things
Or even understanding the purpose of Me

Did I have to be put in so many temporary situations where I feel like I’m trying to find someone that I was supposed to have in the beginning, a mother a father or someone who unconditionally fucking loved me

How come I was given the heart like this with along with experiences that breaks it ? Am I supposed to have it then, if it’s just going to constantly be destroyed ?

Why am I supposed to fix it myself just for others to have “fun” with my pain

Why did I get raped?
Why do I get left?
Why do I get so much more pressure
Then the love I forever yearn
Why do I always have to be on survival mode
Why do people always talk at me like they know what’s best for me but they don’t implement any good feeling into me to help me actually heal

There’s so many remedies and people who speak on things
But their helping hands toss and hit me around like volley ball

Why am I miraculously supposed to convert people’s negativity into positivity as if it wasn’t supposed to hurt me?

Why is it up to me or it’s appointed to me that I have to strive for perfection in a respected persons eyes and be able to achieve that while people are purposely putting me in these obstacles

Why does it all have to fall on me ...

Who gets to play the bad guy

Why does he or she get to play the bad guy ?

Why does he or she get the satisfaction of getting his thrill and his happiness

What did he or she do to deserve his or her desires

While I’m here being a good person because people manipulated or put me under the impression that this is how you will truly be happy .

How come I was good but I still can’t get happiness yet ?

How come it was ok that my childhood was ripped from me

My self esteem was shattered in pieces

That my presence in others lives always just seems to be short lived

That my heart wasn’t cherished

That my tears weren’t seen

That my cries got muffled silence by the same silence that consumed me

Because even in a room full of people

The silence was so loud that it was screaming

Why am I good enough for fucks and favors

For the shits and giggles

But not for the peace and love

Why is it when the good people finally come around

It happens when my mind has been already altered to become fucked up so then I unconsciously and unintentionally do the same shit that was done to me and fuck the good shit all up

To then be in the same hole

Because that was all I know

And it’s designed that way purposely

As if I was destined to be alone

As if my life’s purpose was to be an experiment on how far you can push what was constructed to be a good heart , then place it in these dangerous situations

As if my entire being is a crash test dummy.

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