just my raw emotions.
I’m so angry.
I’m so sad
So fucking Krazy Glue’d together
Where it stays together for short periods at a time
Then at any second I can pop right back off
So manipulated into thinking so submissive and so fucking caring
Had to have the pressure
So much fucking pressure
And so much fucking critiques
And so many people in my ear tryna preach
I’m over it , all this long term trauma is killing me
And don’t tell me to get over it , y’all planted this seed in me
I’m going to finally express it all ,
i don’t care if they hurt y’all
Y’all ain’t care when it hurt me
Fuck this good karma shit
This heaven and hell shit
Starting to not mean shit to me
My faith is becoming hazy
My hope is diminishing
My push for existence ain’t here like how it used to be
Let’s start from the beginning
I never asked to be here
I never wanted this shit to happen
Why make kids if y’all knew y’all weren’t gonna be parents
Why pass me around like I’m a ball
Or a toy
Why implement that I’m supposed to always be good and be nice and be polite and comply
Not show any other human emotion that we were created to have just because it may seem wrong and because there’s just all these rules made up by someone we don’t know for sure that exists.
I only do what I was taught
I know it’s not y’all fault
And I’m sorry for all y’all went through
But to those who were hurting
And decided that I’m your dump truck
For all of your trash and bullshit
Why did you think it’s ok to hurt me ?
I wish I had any ability to hurt you ...
I wish that I was raised sometimes in a light where I could be as cold and cruel as “you”
And what I mean by “you” is everyone who has ever fucked up my mental
This is dedicated to you.
Whoever hurt me and changed me , I now see the truth
But why ...
Let’s start off with God, should I believe that the best thing you can do for me is take people who are supposed to love me away , and that you’re meaning to put me in these situations of desperation or put me in agony for a good purpose?
Was it really necessary for me to be created for parents to give me up for a fucking drug , did I not mean enough to them?
Did I really have to be teased in school for things that I was born that way with or because I’m growing? There’s food on earth for a reason and I can’t change the features I have I’m sorry
Did I have to be in positions where I felt I was a favor because I was just the hot potato child all my life, I’m not even a child anymore
Did I have to get beat for doing child things ? Why do I have expectations of an adult put onto me
When I can barely comprehend half of the meanings of things
Or even understanding the purpose of Me
Did I have to be put in so many temporary situations where I feel like I’m trying to find someone that I was supposed to have in the beginning, a mother a father or someone who unconditionally fucking loved me
How come I was given the heart like this with along with experiences that breaks it ? Am I supposed to have it then, if it’s just going to constantly be destroyed ?
Why am I supposed to fix it myself just for others to have “fun” with my pain
Why did I get raped?
Why do I get left?
Why do I get so much more pressure
Then the love I forever yearn
Why do I always have to be on survival mode
Why do people always talk at me like they know what’s best for me but they don’t implement any good feeling into me to help me actually heal
There’s so many remedies and people who speak on things
But their helping hands toss and hit me around like volley ball
Why am I miraculously supposed to convert people’s negativity into positivity as if it wasn’t supposed to hurt me?
Why is it up to me or it’s appointed to me that I have to strive for perfection in a respected persons eyes and be able to achieve that while people are purposely putting me in these obstacles
Why does it all have to fall on me ...
Who gets to play the bad guy
Why does he or she get to play the bad guy ?
Why does he or she get the satisfaction of getting his thrill and his happiness
What did he or she do to deserve his or her desires
While I’m here being a good person because people manipulated or put me under the impression that this is how you will truly be happy .
How come I was good but I still can’t get happiness yet ?
How come it was ok that my childhood was ripped from me
My self esteem was shattered in pieces
That my presence in others lives always just seems to be short lived
That my heart wasn’t cherished
That my tears weren’t seen
That my cries got muffled silence by the same silence that consumed me
Because even in a room full of people
The silence was so loud that it was screaming
Why am I good enough for fucks and favors
For the shits and giggles
But not for the peace and love
Why is it when the good people finally come around
It happens when my mind has been already altered to become fucked up so then I unconsciously and unintentionally do the same shit that was done to me and fuck the good shit all up
To then be in the same hole
Because that was all I know
And it’s designed that way purposely
As if I was destined to be alone
As if my life’s purpose was to be an experiment on how far you can push what was constructed to be a good heart , then place it in these dangerous situations
As if my entire being is a crash test dummy.