Let it Go

I can't believe how much PAIN
Was in my heart last night,
It hurted so greatly
The sound & the sight.

Dont wanna go out my door
Feel like I'm back in my old hood,
Where neighbors watched my family yell I was no good.

Where my neighborhood watched me fall all the way apart,
Growing up the bad guy
Nobody saw my heart.

Only a few but what did I do,
Break they're hearts cause its all I knew how to.

Last night I thought about my 15 yr old self on my floor,
When every time family got mad my name was a bitch or a whore.

Whenever family got mad they all yelled for me to take my life,
The girl that was always getting into fights.

Not just in school but at home at home everyday,
Nobody liked her she just ran away.

She been through a lot she been through pain,
Been in the storm no umbrella just rain.

I thought about that girl as I experienced yet again the pain of being disrespected by my parent & stuck standing there biting my tongue not saying anything to hurt them back because God has given me specific orders not too. I know my tongue is a sword I learned what you say to people can hurt them deeper and longer THAN physically hitting them. So now I'm all cut up I'm so cut up with words of bitterness and spite, I sat up writing poetry all night. But I did let it go I'm just so sad, that I have to abandon the idea of having a mom & dad. That I have to abandon the idea of reaching out to my immediate family anymore, I left all that pain right there on the floor. The sky is so beautiful & God is right here I can feel him beside me cause I feel his love through his presence. I can feel God holding me like a baby as I rest in his arms with my head on his chest embracing my father as he came to remind me HE IS MY FAMILY, he is my father, my mother, my sister, my brother, HE IS what I keep looking for so why do I keep searching for that acceptance from my family. Why do I keep bending myself around just to make myself fit in they're circles. I'm not meant to be in the circle they didn't leave me out, God has had his hands on me the whole time. God said stay with him because my heart is to great. I have to let y'all go, for me, for my children & for my own piece of mind. So I won't be opening my door for anyone or answering calls I can't let my kids watch y'all hurt me like that, it messed up my childhood... I'm not going to let it mess up they'res 🚶

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