Letters to you

Dear Anxiety,
You broke my trust, you broke me. I was constantly worrying and second-guessing everything because of you. In my life there is no silence nor peace, my mind never gets a break. You just shove more into my brain, you never stop. If it isn’t one thing, it’s the other. It’s always something, sometimes it’s nothing. You always make something out of nothing, that’s the magic behind you. You create images that aren’t there and form the ones that are there into something new. I don’t know if this is reality or if it’s the reality you created for me. You didn’t just barge into my life alone, you had to bring your best friend. If it was you maybe I could handle it but it’s double the weight. One of the other, I got both of you. I wish I could choose but this isn’t my choice, it’s yours. My life is dictated by you. I am just a puppet you play with, you never stop playing. Sometimes you like to play and put your hands around my neck and squeeze a little, just a little scare. Fear, the thing you create; It starts in my head like an explosion, next to my heart which is sprinting, then my hands start shaking as if an earthquake was happening, lastly my ears and eyes they hear and see everything that’s not there, paranoia you created. This cycle is always repeating, right after the other. There is nothing that can stop you and the one thing that can stop you leads to something worse. When I sleep you go on break, in my dreams you are still there. I don’t get a break because you are always lurking around the corner or under the bed. Somehow or somewhere you are always there. You are a monster that even demons fear. Most people who do not understand think you are just a teddy bear we use as a security blanket. How does it feel to know you fooled them? I bet you just love it, it feeds your pride but you did not fool me. You would think I know your every move but you surprise me every day. You always do the unpredictable, you like to play games and my life is the prize.
Is it fun? Is it fun to know you are ruining lives? I have no value, I have no worth, I have nothing else to give yet, you take what’s not even there. This is your fun, I don’t get to have fun but I am the source of your happiness and you are the source of my pain. You have taken away more than I could give like wringing a rag to make sure nothing was left. You always gave me more. More than asked for, more time wasted, more worry, more hopeless nights and lonely days, more pain, more exhaustion, more and more and more. I can’t take any more of anything. You push and you push until I break, then I put all the pieces just for you to push harder and harder. Finally, I stopped fighting, I gave up. I thought you won, the game isn’t won until I am gone. I can’t hide from you, you know all my secret places. You know all my secrets. From you, nothing is hidden, in this game there is no hiding place or a safe spot. There is no game over, the game is over when I am and I have a long way to go. You are always there, no matter the situation. You aren’t needed and no one wants you, your presence is unnecessary. I wish your absence was as easy as blinking. A miracle is what I need for you to leave, I just want you to leave me alone. WIth you there is no goodbye.
A warrior.

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