Listen

Friends and family..I’m depressed.
I can’t get this feeling out of my chest.
It has taken control of everything that I do and each thing that I don’t.
Everyone thinks that we’re riding in the same boat.
But mine has a whole that no one else can see…
I can’t float.
I’m drowning.

“You’re life’s not that bad. You’ll see soon enough.”
“You’re just not grateful for your blessings…
“Just gather them up.”
“Count them more than what I think that you do. You’ll get through.”

They’re not listening…..

“I’m sorry that I’m late.
I’m just overwhelmed with tragedy and stress.”
When you feel this ugly, it’s so hard to get dressed.
I lost time for a moment...which was replaced by an hour..
Hey. .At least I took a shower…

“Oh honey...what’s wrong?
You can talk to me..What’s going on?”

I burst into tears before my story falls out.
I began to purge.
No control of my mouth.

My boss sat at other end of her desk.
Her face was bright red and she was holding her chest.
She was in disbelief of all that I’d been through,
but she said that she had been through it too.

I sighed in relief because I wasn’t alone.
Someone finally threw me bone.
“I know you feel beaten and broken in two.
I can relate...but first...before anything..
YOU have to take care of YOU.”

Thank you boss lady. How lucky am I?
To have boss that will sit and watch me cry….?
But then 2 months go by. Mylife was still bad.
I’d share daily stories about the fights that I had.
Things only worsened. They never got better.
But it was ok because we were in this together.

It all became too much to take.
The abuse, the neglect, the shame, the yelling and screaming, the tears, the regret, the physical pain;
plus, I had bills to pay.

I called my boss in need of a mental health day.

She said, “Come in or you’re fired.”

They’re not listening…..

I had this sister in law…
Well, as grown ups, we still play pretend.
She was actually my brother’s long term girlfriend.

They were together for years, so she was referred to as family.
When my best friend passed away, she was right there for me.
I had a feeling that I should ask why, but I had a “real friend”.
How blessed was I?

She became homeless one day.
My husband and I let her stay.

My husband griped and complained the whole time she was there.
He hated her voice, her smell, her clothes, her hair.
Then she just disappeared...

The distance was clear and the rumors started to fly.
But they should mind their business.
He’s not that type of guy.
Plus she doesn’t shower and has adult acne.
She could NEVER take HIM from ME…

But one drunken night, as he sat at the table..hunched with his eyes closed.
He muttered, “That’s why I did fuck your friend.”
I saw red.


I needed to hear his apologies, as weak as they were.
He wasn't sorry at all. He wanted to keep me and keep her.

“20 years and a kid.
I love you with all of me, because I say that I did.”

I didn’t only know that he was lying.
I could feel it in my heart.
But that was too painful.
So, doesn’t everyone deserve a fresh start?

So, let’s do this again; without the abuse.
Let’s try love and compassion.
Let’s make time for each other, instead of an excuse.

Let’s listen more and talk less.
We’ll both put in our best.
What about our children and vows?
What about the years we’ve put in?
My daughter became ours.
We’re a family.
Besides….doesn’t everyone sin?
So….you in?

No?
Just me?
Really?
Oh...OK.

He never really listened.

I've sought help from the Gods.
I've reached out here on earth.
I had to die deep inside, before my rebirth.

I lost a lifetime in despair, gripping doubts..
Pain was my home.
Wait. Hold on. Hear me out.
For your family and friends,
No matter what they're talking about….

LISTEN.