Lonely In Love

Why do I feel so empty inside?
Why do I feel as though I’m not alive?
I feel like I’m watching a movie, or just sitting back, and someone else is steering the ship, and I cant make my way back.
Why do I look in the mirror and hate what I see, look with despise at the reflection of me,
I cringe when I see pictures, never feeling like enough, I hate everything about me, I look so unhappy and gruff. Who is this person I have turned out to be? My past life seems so fake, not even a reality. It was so beautiful, so wonderful, filled with happiness and love, but now the most important thing is watching from above. Why can’t I rise up? Why can’t I be strong? Why can’t I show her she didn’t raise me wrong. Instead I feel anger, hatered, resentment, and disparity. I sit home all
day wondering if anyone even cares about me. I waited for the moment my daughter was born, but now that she’s here I feel so scorned. I birthed her without my Mom by my side, I brought her home and for months cried and felt like my soul had died. I feel so guilty for the depression I feel, I often wonder if this bitter heart of mine will ever truly heal. I worried that my sadness will ruin her happy ways, so I put a smile on and go throughout my days. How can I love her so much yet feel so alone? How can I pretend to be happy and like all is well when I really feel like I’m locked in a cell. This cell in my mind, will it ever get better? I’m just a lonely little girl who’s writing a letter. A letter of sadness, a letter of joy, a letter of my life, or what’s left after my heart has been destroyed.

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