Madness


Sadness seems to always creep up upon my soul, thoughts of absolute madness taking over. I wonder why I can't stop these feelings, why I hurt so incredibly without resolution. The pain may subside for awhile but always to return with a vengeance. I keep waiting for the day when this veil of hurt and chaos will be forever gone. I feel as though I scream so loud inside but no one will ever hear, I hide these feeling in fear ppl will think I'm out of my mind... And maybe I am, maybe I will never be normal. These feelings sit in my throat like a tremendous knot and I feel like I can't swallow. It hurts like no other hurt for my biggest fear is being or becoming insane, a person with out a rash thought. Lost inside myself not ever coming back to reality. I don't know how to feel like I should and I fear I will pass that onto my daughters. I never want them, even for a moment to feel my despair.
Sometimes I feel so invisible, maybe I'm not worthy of being noticed in this world.. I feel so small and alone, like not even a mere soul would care or notice if I were gone. I try to reach out, only to be let down. I am so alone, I just wish that I could comprehend why, why I'm so unwanted and what I've done to make ppl disgusted with me. Is it my intellect, my personality ? I wish I knew, I'd change it. I push ppl away but then wonder why I'm not wanted. The thought of rejection is overwhelming to me, it's almost like a dagger in my heart! It is the thing that keeps me alone and miserable. I want to be out in the world but I am terrified of the world and all the ppl waiting to turn their back on me. I obsess over things which I cannot change.

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