Me


Me
Let’s be honest here
You say love casts out fear
Yet you let fear drive your decisions
You don’t let the spirit fill you with vision
You’re afraid, and if love replaces fear,
Then it can be assumed being full of fear
Leads to a life of futility
Because there’s no room for love or unity.
Unity with God, yes, but also unity with yourself.
You’re broken inside because you’ve neglected health,
Maybe physical but definitely emotional and obviously spiritual.
You want to wake up every day
With a smile on your face.
But you’re so weighed down
With the pain all around
Any kind of smile that comes out is fake
Your eyes are open but you’re not awake.
Why am I here, why am I doing this?
I can’t feel, I can’t care, I wish,
I could, be what I’m supposed to be,
Whatever that is, I wish I could see.
I wish I wasn’t such a disappointment
I wish I could get back all the time I spent,
Feeling like I’m running and going nowhere
This isn’t fair.
Where I am is not my fault,
But I can’t explain that, so I lock all this pain in a vault.
It’s never opening because if you see inside,
You’ll find secrets with which you cannot abide.
I will be seen by you in another light,
You’ll tell me how wrong I am, we’ll be this close to a fight.
Because you don’t know me.
I know what you see,
But all of that is a consequence,
Actions and emotions blown out of proportion after the initial offense.

But fine, I’ll show you a couple of things I’ve hid inside,
Things I can’t seem to deal with no matter how hard I’ve tried.

I reach out to take you but you walked away and I cried,
You made a commitment to stay with me but you lied.
Maybe you wanted me, maybe you didn’t,
But I don’t understand how a child can be unwanted.
Then again maybe it’s all due
To what you went through.
It breaks my heart
To know your life was so hard.
No one should ever be lusted
After, by someone they trusted.
I honestly don’t know how to deal with being beat and molested,
For years, your limits were tested.
And no one heard you when you wept,
No one dealt with it, so under the rug it was swept.
Now you have children and the options you face,
Are repeat the messed up cycle or just walk away.
Maybe the only way you knew how to protect me,
Was to make it seem like you’d reject me.
Then again, maybe you didn’t have a choice because I had a father that wouldn’t relent,
Every day of his life was spent,
Going through some sort of personal hell,
To make sure his kids were well.
He sacrificed everything for us,
And he was destroyed when one was taken from us.
He lost so much, and I don’t think he’ll ever recover,
And in some strange way, I don’t think he wanted you to be our mother.
So he gave that privilege to another.
But she had more to deal with than you,
And dealing with her past is something she was never taught to do.
I don’t know but it seems to me,
That only way you both know how to deal with the pain is to leave.
I remember that night,
It was just another fight,
Or so I thought, but I guess this one was different,
Because suddenly, a bag was packed and out the door she went.
I’ve never been so low
I took a step down a dark road I’d never known.
But there’s a difference between you and her and that
Difference is she came back.
Despite all of our baggage she made the choice to hold on,
Because she told me she couldn’t show love if she was gone.
And you know what, she wasn’t perfect
There was pain and not all of it was worth it.
She’s made cuts that will never heal,
But she taught me that it’s ok to feel.
No, she doesn’t believe it, and to this day,
She probably still struggles with knowing emotions are ok.
She has to bear guilt and shame,
The kinds of things that don’t just go away.
She took it out on me for years, and I tried to run away,
In different ways,
Because no one could explain,
That we were all just broken people trying to find our way,
It’s a miracle any of us actually stayed.
I guess I never understood the depths of parental love in those moments,
I couldn’t have known it was so intense.
Now I see that this love cannot be compared to anything I’ve known,
But I think I still believe to you it was unknown.
I’m just beginning to understand all we’ve been through.
And I’m not blaming you,
But we hold onto,
So much sadness and grief we just don’t know what to do.

You think that’s it? I’m just getting started,
If pain is a sea, it’s about to be parted.
Because there’s a piece of me,
That makes up so much of me,
It surrounds and drowns me,
I don’t know what you call it but I call it empathy.
It transcends space, it doesn’t care about time
So when I hear about someone who was alone and crying
A flood breaks loose inside
All the emotions collide.
I become keenly aware of pain and suffering
Everyone who crosses a line
It doesn’t go away, believe me I’ve tried.
Everything crashes onto me and I can’t find
Anything to hold onto, I’m swept away on the tide,
Everyone’s emotions become mine.
How can I be happy with my life
When I know there’s evil inside,
Every closed door, under every porch light?
Kids are suffering so much more than me, every day is darker than the darkest night,
They’re experiencing the definition of evil and they can’t even fight.
How can I have peace when people in my backyard are dying?
Why, God, why?
I plead and I cry.
How is this a gift,
When I feel the kind of pain that makes other people slit their wrists?
They smoke and drink poison to kill the things inside that they’re afraid to deal with.
I am the kid getting beat, and I am the father beating them,
Because I’ve been hurt so much I have to destroy anything that threatens to hurt me again.
I am the girl who isolates herself away from all those around,
Insecurity and depression make her gasp for air because she’s about to drown,
But the tears soak her pillow and she fades away without a sound.
I am the woman living her whole life to do something more,
Because she’s terrified, if she doesn’t perform, no one will love her anymore.
So don’t tell me I don’t understand your pain because that’s not it.
I don’t just understand it, I feel it.
Your pain is mine,
And this happens all the time,
I go out into the world and it crushes me,
It sends me to my knees.
I cannot carry all of this alone,
I’m done, I’m throwing in the towel, I just want a home.
You may not get it, but home is really just in my true Father’s arms,
I’m safe from people, I’m protected from the harms,
That come my way.
Everyday is a different day,
But what can I say,
Sometimes, all I can do is lay there and pray.
That’s better than following the road I set out on,
The one where I push everyone away and get ticked off when they’re gone.
I’ve chosen a life that puts me in the middle of people’s problems,
Hoping to show them,
That they can’t always just solve them.
We were made for each other
There’s always someone, there’s always another.
You don’t have to sit along in the sea of grief,
You can find relief.
I’m sorry if I understand you but can’t be available,
I can only help so many people and it’s terrible.
Because most of the time I don’t know if I’m helping or hurting
But this is a process, and I’m still learning.
I’m sorry if you needed me and I let you down.
But I’ve been trying not to drown.
I’ve been doing so much for so long,
Not just working, but facing my past and moving on,
Trying to stay strong,
Trying to do right in the midst of so much wrong.
So put it all out there now, let’s deal with it,
Don’t hold back, I promise I can handle it.
I’ll do my best to listen and be there,
No matter what, when, or where.
I’ll be the voice that speaks out,
When the other voices get too loud.
Reassuring you that this pain is not permanent
You can learn to move on I’m sure of it.
Every life is precious, every life has value,
And hurting yourself or others will not free you.
You can’t cut the pain away,
You can’t drink yourself to sleep every night and expect people to stay
You can’t beat people into submission to drive the demons away,
Killing yourself does not make everything ok.
That just takes your pain and multiplies it among everyone around you.
You condemn them to a life of blaming themselves because they didn’t know what else to do.
Maybe this make you uncomfortable.
That’s ok, because if there’s one think I know,
It’s that we need to talk more.
We need to talk about this more.
It’s not a joke,
We need to give people hope.
Trapping emotions inside is literally killing people,
Because we tell them emotions are bad instead of telling them emotions are beautiful.
The things you think no one wants to see,
Are the things we need to talk about to be free.
Now listen to me,
Very clearly…
You are not a burden, you’re not in the way,
You are not the only person to feel this way,
Talking about your problems does not make you weak
Feeling low does not make you incomplete.
No, the world would not be better off without you.
Just because you think it all the time does not make it true.
I’m not here to be cliché,
So I’m not going to tell you everything is going to be ok.
Because a lot of that is your choice,
I’m just here to be a voice.
I’m a voice that speaks out to get others to listen,
I’m a voice that speaks with conviction
I’m on a mission
To make everyone understand
That it’s time to take a stand
That emotions are not something for you to command
Burying them inside does not make you a man,
Refusing to acknowledge their existence does not make you a strong woman,
Feeling, simply makes you human.

So there you have it, there’s a little bit of me
I do this to maybe,
Help someone see,
That I want everyone to succeed,
I want everyone to be complete,
And I won’t stop, I won’t retreat,
Until everyone I know can confidently speak,
About their issues and say,
“This is me,
And I am free,
To be,
ME.”

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