Me Or Love

By Alexis    Alexis

In the blink of an eye, I'm at a fork in the road.
Lost and pondering which way I should go.
It's storms in each direction which ever way I choose to follow.
Life once again has me in a place where I'm stuck in limbo, halting my life flow.
One way..
There is Me.
Emotionally torn by the past owners of my being.
The hurt, the lies, insecurities and cries until my eyes were dry.
The infidelity, the control, the choice of the substance over me and my life.
The past had definitely left marks on me
I'm like halfway charged up robot, not working properly.
It's so many kinks and errors I need to fix within my mainframe.
I don't want to give until it's strong enough to stand on my own once again.
How can I give you 50/50..
If I can't give myself 100 completely?
Like think...
How often do you buy something that's already majorly defective?
To where gorilla glue or elbow grease can't even get it back effective.
Have you ever bought a chandelier that's been completely shattered?
To only find one who is willing to buy it, to them it doesn't matter.
Until they get cut from the glass and crystals that scattered.
Then it's my fault again and my issues causing chit chatter.
I never said I was perfect. I'm far from it.
But let me get a chance to personally fix it.
I need time to lick my wounds.
You would have to feel this way to understand it.
When I take my Me time, it hashes out feelings from those I love not feeling loved or rejected.
The road on this side is about Self Healing, Spiritual Rejuvenation and Internal Emotional Instability that I have been neglecting.
My self esteem and spirituality is something worth perfecting.
Only with a clear, sound mind and healing energy from my Chakras
Will I be a perfect for the future, whatever that is in store for me...
On this road, self betterment would be the focus.
Not just for me but for my Prince that's growing up under me.
It's a necessity.
The question is, how long would you wait for me to complete this journey?
The other way..
It's cloudy also with a chance of more showers.
But It's a chance that those showers could have a positive effect on my flowers.
The planted seeds could grow into a garden of beauty.
Full of Love and family..
But how can one build love if the love they have is only enough for the other?
Isn't love about loving and caring for one another?
I'm on full when it comes to spreading love to those I love wholeheartedly..
But when it comes to loving me?
The love for myself is running on E.
Because I'm trying to stay running to make sure everyone around me is happy... except me.
And then when the going gets tough... my efforts are suddenly... never enough...
To try and try to change for a relationship but its not going according to The Plan
It backfires and blows up in my face..
Like, what am I trying to change for then?
It's the feeling of not being able to do ANYTHING right.
Then here comes the Defensive wall up again because I know I'm going to have to fight.
Is love really enough when hurtful words and fingers are pointed back and forth?
If we can't see the change in each other for each other, do we really know each others worth?
Right now.. I'm at the middle of this road.
Crying because I don't know which way to go.
Crying because I already know that choosing one road, would result to letting someone I love go..
With a lot of prayer and signs from above.
I've realized that a choice has to be made.
Me or Love...

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