My Depreesion-Anxiety

This isn't the story of how i was made suicidal,
Do they know that depression can hit you like a tide though?
You think i know attention comes easy when people know you cut for pain
Do they know that Anxiety has its grip onto your chain?
I didn’t know i turned suicidal when i felt the way i did
All the evil things the world offered to one single kid
Its fucked up to think the same kids could torment
Calling me clown without knowing how i felt in that moment
They didn’t know that i could turn this fucked up
Now they come at me to my face tryna see what’s up
They don't remember my pain they did during the day
Nor did they know the tears i shed at night i had to pay
I cried these long nights under the silents sound to have people wake
Nobody knew how much it took to stand the pleasure pop pills and take
Justified by the laws in my head, made a reality of a dream
But sooner or later people get dumb and put an “i” in Team
Tossed aside as a nuisance when i am home
Do they really know how it feels” in a room of people i feel alone”?
I stay away from my family tucked away in a room
So they don't bother me inside this cloud of gloom
So don't enter, don't see what really is here
Not even i can't stand it, it's not even clear
My depression is a broad abstract painting
I'm afraid if i say this to my therapist i am tainted
Tainted with the lies i tell myself, and the wheels that turn
My mind changes its mind over and over i just want the court to call adjourn
It wont, it doesnt listen to me, it only does the things it knows will make me hurt
And it does, and i never want it to continue to make me feel this pain that hurts
I just want to be like the other kids, Live a normal life
Not have to take meds, and be a happy wife
But with the life i live, will i make it that far?
Depression Anxiety let me out of this Jar
I am no bug, i am no parasite
Don't want to see night, only the warm light
Like a warm blanket to hold me tight
Don't toss me out and expect me to fight
I only wanna smile, like i did before
Be able to give and receive love down to the core
Take this scarred hand, and lead me out
Like a blind man , i'll follow without a doubt
I'll trust you if you offer me happiness
But deep down there are feelings i can't dismiss
So i hope you can save me from myself and these voices
Cause i'll admit I've made some very bad choices.
These choices ive made will not be shared
Cause i'm afraid if i say you will not care
I have done worst than gold digger
I've been nosy and make a problem bigger
I stand alone in a dark room in my head
Nothing in the room but a single bed
My only release from this cold world
Lay myself down and let my body curl
Because in the dark its cold
Letting my body wither and mold
Will satisfy and be safer if i keep my secret
so sharpen the knives blade to make a clean cut
Tighten the rope and cord to bruise my neck
So that while i sleep, i wont know whats next.

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This Poems Story

My poem describes my life and how I felt when I was younger, when I was been bullied with a skin discoloration. Which the kids my age bullied me because it looked like drool or paint calling me an ugly clown. I lost my self confidence to interact with anyone, thinking they didn't like my face. So in a my room I stayed away from everyone, unless it was absolutely necessary.