My Longest Goodbye

My longest goodbye, my forever trails, my trumps, my sad eyes.
I don't know why
Tears threaten to fall from my eyes and it's disguised as anger-why?
The pain is solid,
The reasons so real.
How am I supposed to explain without making a big deal?
Without serving my heart its last meal?
Does it really have to feel so bad?
Eternally I'm at war with my mind and heart.
Who's keeping score?
It's the core of the problem.
When my soul goes to war, who's going to solve them?
Am I the enemy?
How can I feel but not feel the bend in me?
I bend but not break, that's that strength in me.
I can't hold back, that's the scars in me,
The one that keeps the distant look in her eyes.
The people I love can't recognize me, why?
Why is she so mad?
Well it's easy to blame my mom and my dad,
Blame the things I never had.
Thirty-seven years later, why am I still sad?
It's pure rage.
People on the outside think it's insane.
She's strong, they say, but they can't recognize my pain.
I smile and I laugh.
Inside my heart still slowly dies to not know the reasons why
People left without saying goodbye-
The pain of the memories I can't hide.

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My darling kid, Chayna, you have inspired me to be brave because you are brave. I began wanting more for myself because I wanted so much more for you-my forever blessing, my best friend! I love you to the moon and back.