My Love


My love for him was strong like the waves of a great stormy ocean, my trust was jaded at times but it was also as true as a first and last breath. He lit the fuse of my life. Before him, everything, everyone, life itself was cold and dull. His song strummed my heart into a beautiful thumping beet I had never felt. I always believed I would mold into the lyrics of his music I wanted to be the skip in his step. You know the thing that makes you proud and gives you your natural swagger when you’re happy. But I was just a child well 19 but yes looking back now I was just a naive girl. It’s not that I had never kissed I was somewhat experienced. I wasn’t shy about dating. To be completely honest I was a little promiscuous I didn’t date so much because I liked the person romantically most of the guys just really made me laugh and I did and still do think that that shows a lot of compatibility in people I didn’t believe in love I thought you find someone you like and doesn’t make you want to pull your hair out and you have found the person you might settle for. I never really thought that one day a person would look at me from across the room and make me hungry for their attention. Well life happens and I found love can happen but unfortunately no matter how full and strong an ocean seems some times the environment changes and not all at once but slowly under the beautiful wave thing are dying the water over time lose a life and as we all know you can’t look at something and say you’re perfect absolutely beautiful walk away and expect life to come back that unfortunately, that was how my ocean died. We meet in January of 2009 I was currently in an on-off relationship (he was REALY funny) I’m 19 working at a restaurant as a hostess that’s where the waves start. This was my second job I hadn’t been working there for very long when I saw him the first time just a glance and something like punched me in the gut. I thought who is that person I haven’t even seen his face and my stomach is in knots. Later that night he walked over to grab some extra silverware for his table. He’s no like drop-dead handsome but he is a good-looking guy and now for some reason, I have the butterflies. I want to smack myself like a wake up what’s your problem of course I didn’t because I wouldn’t want everyone to think what is wrong with this poor girl. So I held my composure and thought yes prom is coming up and you are probably going to get back with Mr.Funny but what if this feeling isn’t a fluke what if I do want this person’s affection. I asked about him and eventually phone numbers where exchanged. We communicate a little. I was a little worried about the age difference not that it was a lot only 3 1/2 years older than me. I have dated an older person I just didn’t have the feelings that I had with Mr.Ocean and of course like anything new I was unsure what would happen if I dove in. I took Mr. Funny back and told Mr.Ocean my throw down, you know the word vomit that comes out when you aren’t sure what to do so you choose suddenly the direction you are going to take and take it. I'm sure it’s obvious to you that Mr.Funny didn’t last long. The day we split he came into the restaurant Mr.Ocean and I work at, begged me to take him back and one of the other servers overheard. It was like someone just opened the flood gates everyone was asking what happened? are you ok? do you have another love interest? In my head, I’m thinking I don’t know you. But of course, I politely answer vaguely. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about the brake up because I wasn’t planning on staying around and letting people into my life that aren’t currently in it at this time I was trying to cut the fat out until after gratulation. I honestly wanted to save some money and run the hell away from this county but life happens. Mr.Ocean asked me out on a date that night honestly looking back I kinda feel like he was pressured into it by another server that worked there. Nevertheless, I accepted because it made me feel really good when he asked me I didn’t know what it was about him that made me want to jump when he asked but it felt like I had taken a position. The first date wasn’t great I brought my dog over to play with his and thought maybe we would walk around but we just kinda hung out in his room and listening to music. At the time we had a similar taste so it wasn’t a bad time. It just felt more like hey we are friends let’s hang out. It did feel like we had been friends forever. I was hungry for more and didn’t think that interest was reciprocated. Then when I went to get in my car he kissed me it felt like lightning hitting the sand making beautiful glass crystals. I was shocked his actions presented earlier didn’t seem romantic, but a kiss why would you suddenly kiss someone you did want to have some kind of romantic relationship with. We sent text back-and-forth like crazy I couldn’t get enough I was really into this guy. I was in a skills USA group and around April we took a trip to out of town over the weekend Mr. Ocean and were not able to talk that much and I was a little worried that he might have thought I had lost interest. Instead, the next time we saw each other he asked me if I was his girl. Like the kiss, I was surprised and once again fork in the road. What are you going to do... at first, I popped off a joke to give myself a second to think. I couldn’t ignore the unexplainable feelings I had and I didn’t want to lose on a once and a lifetime opportunity even though it grounded me exactly where I didn’t want to be. It’s funny the things you do because you don’t want to regret them then you still look back later and wonder what the other choice would have lead to. Not that I would change anything just an interesting thought. Anyways we started dating and it seemed that as much as we had in common we didn’t which was nice you mix it up learn new things see the world from a different perspective. I loved him he constantly made me smile and laugh even thinking about the way it once was still makes me smile and tickles my belly. I’m not sure when things started to die it had to of been so so slow. Because our ocean was so big and full of life you could feel the people looking at it from afar admiring its beauty and you could feel the beauty beaming out. Like the tide rising we were full of love, swallowing everything in our path and covering it with love, companion, laughter, and just all-around good vibes. But like the ocean tide, the water recedes so did our ocean tide, and as strong as the love and gratitude was when the water rose it is now hateful and disrespectful tearing everything down in its path. As the water continues to recede there are things that you don’t expect to see on the shore. MY OCEAN! what has happened I thought everything was healthy. The shore is covered with deceased life. It's hard to tell who the culprit is and really at a certain point does it matter. All this love and life lost forever it’s so upsetting and yet beautiful to see the rise and fall of something so great deep and big. So the moral of my story is I know that the ocean I spoke about was not the world's. It was mine. I think like a lot of things we can learn from our failures, mistakes and try to place that knowledge into things that can be saved like the oceans of our world. Which we all love and yes we do tell it how beautiful and perfect it is before we walk away leaving our mess on the shore to kill it. We have all lost something big in life and if you haven’t now just wait life will happen. We shouldn’t be trying to save something because it’s dying. We should want to save all things because they, we and, it is all loved and beautiful. Don’t let your ocean die because you didn’t think it needed your attention. Try to be more observant and respectful of the things you love because yes everything does die but the better we take care of it the more life we receive.

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