My own reflection

I say I only like you a little but it’s not
I look in the mirror and there only comes one thought
In my mind, wish I could love you more than a lot.
Hard to say out loud but in my head I contemplate what went wrong in my life and to think I’d be better off dead.
To even speak those words I feel the guilt, deep inside i don’t deserve these words I’ve spilt.
Should give myself more credit, cringing while I write and even though I’ve read it,
The same old story for years unfortunately, I love everybody else way more than I do me.
Am I a product of my own upbringing?
Am I a slave to my past that I never had control of, is that a thing?
Why do I constantly need to be reassured that I’m a good person, needing to hear those words I’m still so uncertain.
Can’t even convince myself otherwise,
Lying to myself and listening to everyone else’s opinions and trickery and lies
I’m a loser, good for nothing, worthless human being.
Can’t hold a job, get a job and do something more,
Constant put downs, let downs, push downs galore.
No wonder when I look in the mirror, I see nothing but a lost soul and never assured.
Wish I could see everything I know I can be that’s for sure.
I know one day I will find my way, be able to look him in the face and say...
I am who I am because of me and not you and somehow some way, I’ll eventually be okay.
Wish I could face myself, convince myself but that’s a hard thing to grasp,
Been living as someone else who can’t get a grip of her past.
I’ll get there I’ve told myself over and over again,
And even when things seem good somehow, it always seems to end.

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