My Past


Not a day goes by where I wish I could escape my own mind.
The world is blind, but then again, so am I.
I wish I could slow down time or maybe just press stop and hit rewind.
Where do I begin?
Should I go back to the part where I thought I had friends?
Or maybe I should go back to the first guy who knocked on my heart and I was the stupid one who let him in.
Never again.
You see, I learned my lesson.
Being here on this Earth can either be a curse or a blessing.
Let's go back to the time when I first got arrested.
How I thought it was cool to steal shit just so that I could feel accepted.
Wait, it gets much better.
Give me a second.
How about the time where I fucked with two dudes and it turns out that I was the one who got screwed, literally.
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Maybe it all goes back to when I was abused as a kid.
Left a big empty hole in my heart is what that nigga did.
I still remember the hurt.
I still remember the pain.
He took a chunk out of my soul and because of that, I will never be the same.
It wasn't my fault.
I am not the one to blame.
That nigga saw me and figured that he could do anything he wanted.
All I ever did was close my eyes, screaming inside my mind, "I wish he would stop it!"
If I'm ever put in that situation again, I'm gonna have a gun and put it to a nigga head and click clack pow! That nigga dead.
Yea I know it sounds evil but the shit that goes on inside my head, no one would ever want to remember.
Lord help me!
I surrender!
What am I supposed to do?
I got my hands up and I'm searching for you!
Please tell me why I had to go through the shit I have been through!
I'm lost Lord and I fall down to my knees.
I'm so weak I can't stand.
Lord, I am the clay and you are the potter.
You formed me by your hand!
Lord, please take me now!
I just want all this pain and regret to go away!
Am I supposed to continue to suffer?
Do I even have a choice?
God please tell me.
Whisper to me in your still small voice!
I'm scared of who I am becoming.
I know I need to come to you God.
I know I need to stop running.
Ok, I know I got off topic for a minute.
But don't mind me, I'm just venting.
Let's go back to the time where I was just trying to go with the flow.
Ended up with me ripping and running just trying to find something to put up my nose.
Ex, cocaine and even some pills.
Anything I could find to numb this broken soul of mine.
How about that time that I grabbed a knife and just started cutting and cutting.
I swear I didn't feel nothing.
Just wanted to watch the blood as it came pouring out.
I didn't even make a sound.
I wanted to die so I decided to cut my wrists.
Turns out that I was too much of a bitch to actually go through with it.
I hated how I looked so I decided to starve myself.
Got so hungry, so I ate everything I could find on the shelf.
Felt so disgusted, so I puked and puked until there wasn't anything left.
I'm just telling you about my past self.
Don't get it twisted, it felt like I was going through hell.
But I am grateful to be alive to tell you my tale.
I'm getting better but it's going to take some time.
Time to get all these evil thoughts out of my mind.
I just wish I could slow down time or maybe just press stop and hit rewind.

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